HE SAYS HE GETS A SAY ON HER OUTFIT. DOES HE?

Intro And Defining Jealousy

SPEAKER_02 0:00

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.

SPEAKER_05 0:19

I'm gonna start this off with a question for you.

SPEAKER_03 0:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 0:22

Do you consider yourself a jealous person?

SPEAKER_03 0:24

No, I used to be. And then two things happened. What happened? Well, first thing I figured out it didn't work. Second thing happened is I grew up.

unknown 0:33

That'll tell you.

SPEAKER_05 0:34

Well, what made you know you were a jealous guy?

SPEAKER_03 0:37

Well, because it was the way I would feel when I felt like they weren't all the way into me, that I wasn't getting the attention I needed, or God forbid, there was somebody else who I who helped me feel insecure in that situation. So it was one of those things that I had to take an honest look in the mirror and tell myself the truth about what I was feeling in the situation.

SPEAKER_05 0:58

Yeah, how did that manifest in behavior? Did you were you cognizant enough to know? Well, I'm jealous, I shouldn't feel jealous and not do anything, or did you do uh uh screamers out there?

SPEAKER_03 1:08

Yeah, yeah. So in my previous life, I was uh I was royalty, I was the passive aggressive king.

unknown 1:14

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

And what does the peeing of king of passive aggression do? So my I would withdraw, I would withhold. Oh no attention, no affection. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I would just kick whatever they would, whatever their ask was, I'm kicking that can down the road until they bring it up because I was so uncomfortable voicing my dissatisfaction. I just showed it in behavior. And it just does not work. Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:41

No, it does not work.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

No.

SPEAKER_05 1:43

I used to say on divorce court all the time, because I would get people in there, like Inspector Gadget, and they were running and chasing all day, every day chasing that. And I'm saying, it's a bad deal that you've made because you're miserable every day on the off chance that one day this person might do you wrong. Right. So it's a bad trade.

SPEAKER_03 2:03

It is.

SPEAKER_05 2:03

Enjoy your 364 days. If it's on 365th, he does something wrong, then deal with it. But don't be, don't be and it invites your own leaving to it does.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

It does. It does.

SPEAKER_05 2:15

Being jealous, did that keep him with you?

SPEAKER_03 2:19

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah. Because now you're just going through your 364 days looking for the next opportunity to be jealous all over.

SPEAKER_05 2:28

It never works out. So obviously, we're talking about jealousy today. Madison, do you have anything for jealousy for me?

SPEAKER_04 2:37

Judgment call.

Clothing Boundaries And Consideration

SPEAKER_04 2:40

Should he have any control over what you wear when you go out?

SPEAKER_08 2:43

Oh, hell no. No. No, no. No.

SPEAKER_07 2:47

No. If Shopper wears something a little too bit revealing, you ever mean? I should have a bit say so just because, like, you were a reflection of me.

SPEAKER_08 2:55

No.

SPEAKER_07 2:55

If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_08 2:56

I walked out here in this minute. Women can wear what they want to wear. I shouldn't have to talk to my husband about wearing what I should wear, you know? If I want to wear a bra, I can wear a bralette out. You should I should have a chance. It's underwear. That's what I'm saying. No, a man. I'm finna take this off. A man should not be able to tell a woman what she should and should not wear. It's 2023. If there are flight calls, you should not tell women what they should be wearing. You should not be able to tell me what I have to wear.

SPEAKER_05 3:41

That's not thoughts-ish.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

Well, uh, my first thought is he's in trouble, and I would love to see the next 10 minutes. That comes that argument. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 3:52

He just, what was gonna go on?

SPEAKER_03 3:54

You know, I think if a woman's old enough today, she's probably old enough to pick out her own clothes.

SPEAKER_05 3:58

Dress herself. I I believe so. I believe so. Now, I will say this though, because I was married for 30, 30, well, I don't know how long I was married, but for three decades. And while he never told me what to wear, I respected the fact that when we were with his people or his business, or they that I did reflect him in that moment. Just like when you were doing my stuff, he would be, you know, more receptive to some criticism from me on that juncture. Because you gotta respect who you're with, but you can't tell him what to do.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

You can't tell him what to do. And so to our guy's point, he was like, you know, yes, we are a reflection of each other when we're out, when we're out, and so the word is consideration. Okay. Yes. She's she's at in her professional setting. I'm gonna consider that and I'm gonna dress to match. I'm gonna mirror that a little bit. We get that, but when it comes to telling a woman what she's wearing is too revealing, I don't, I don't like that at all.

SPEAKER_05 4:53

Yeah, there's no mother may I on that one, you know, or daddy may I. No. It's it's it's it's uh, but you should show respect for each other in the circumstances that you're in. Right. You know, if you go into a business meeting all hoochied up, that could be an issue.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

That's gonna be an issue.

SPEAKER_05 5:10

That's gonna mess with your money.

SPEAKER_03 5:11

Depending on the business, could be a good issue or bad issue, could be what you're doing. You know, Judge, you know what? I'm always interested when you hear these guys now and they're like, man, I want a hottie. I want a baddie, I want a 10. If you subscribe to those rating scales and all that, and then they get the hottie, they get the baddie, and they immediately need her to be less hot. Less, yes, and less of a baddie in order to help them feel good, more secure in who they are and that they can keep her.

SPEAKER_05 5:37

And it can it can manifest itself and still talking about clothing. Uh, you'll see in situations where the situation is really getting toxic, he's over the house talking about you can wear these when you're with me, right? And these when you're not. Right. And that is that is the announcement of a big problem that you've got.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

Big problem coming down the road. And we're different when it comes to that. You know, guys, we're we're super simple. You know what I mean? At home, I dress like a cartoon character. I would literally wear the same thing every single day. It's the same t-shirt, the same pair of sweatpants, and I'm good to go. But men dressed according to what they're about to do. If I'm gonna go clean the car, I gotta I got a couple of outfits I'm gonna use for that. I'm going to the gym, I got a thing. Women dress according to how they're trying to feel that day.

SPEAKER_05 6:22

So I don't have the right to-interesting distinction, ish.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

I don't have the right to tell you how you're trying to feel today. I just, I don't think I do. A friend of mine told me that she was a model for Ford for 40 years. She was like, ish, she was like, as a woman, we we dress according to our moods and how we're trying to feel that day. She was like, pay attention to it. And I never forgot that. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_05 6:41

I've never heard that before. I've never thought about that before. And I have to think about it for a while because and and when I get dressed next time, I've got to decide. Now I'm a court short low on estrogen. So I'm kind of like you. I have a t-shirt and sweats and sweats all day long, you know, just bumbling around, no shoes on my feet, all that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:59

But I think that's an interesting concept, and I'm gonna give it some thought.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

Yeah. And then the other thing is, it's like, okay, uh, my dad would always say, son, history is best qualified to reward its own research. So I would ask this young man here, what was she wearing when you met her? What did she wear on the first date? As my sister in the FBI would say, that is a good indicator of how she's going to dress moving forward, right? And so one of my one of the coolest couples, I don't know if you ever paid attention, iced tea and cocoa. Yes. Right? I love them for this reason. They let each other be who they are.

SPEAKER_05 7:32

Who they are without judgment whatsoever.

SPEAKER_03 7:35

No shame, no judgment. Coco is the hottie. She's the baddie, she's over the top. And I see he's like, yes, do it and more. And I am your biggest cheerleader. He is iced tea, he's that guy. And she's like, yes, baby. I love they love each other to let each other be.

SPEAKER_05 7:49

And he has to be secure in order to do that. Right. And it's the people that aren't secure that have to monitor. And the less secure you are, the more you have to monitor, and it still doesn't help you. And it's a turnoff, right?

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Yeah. As a woman, you sense that. You sense if he's Shakur or not in that in when you're out and about. And it's it may not register in the moment, but there's something you're registering in the back of your mind, like, let me keep an eye on that.

SPEAKER_05 8:12

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

What's the judgment?

SPEAKER_05 8:15

Judgment call. She was right, he was wrong. But with a slight caveat, she has to respect where she is and who he is. She has to be considerate in what she does. He can't tell if she needs to be considerate. Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:31

Agree. 100% agree with that. Yeah. Judgment for big girls being able to pick out their weirdness.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

There you go.

SPEAKER_03 8:38

Judgment call.

Pool Party Clip And Acting Out

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Oh. Well now. What were we seeing there, Ish? Well, they had a pool party, uh, and him and uh my guy and his girl were watching the guys do their flips into the pool. Right. And it looks like she was clapping a little too hard. She was over there with the Hercules. Hercules, Hercules. And he didn't like it.

SPEAKER_05 9:22

So you want to be you like the boys in the pool, you need to get in the pool with them. Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:29

I don't know what I think is a little silly to be, you know, it was just neat to see. Right. And if it had been a bunch of women flipping into the pool, they wouldn't have had a problem with it. Right. But, you know, it's a little silly. Oh, you can't applaud for no dude but me.

SPEAKER_03 9:45

Right. Yeah. Yeah. People think passive aggressiveness is a quiet, sneaky thing, and they're wrong. It can be very, very loud. Very loud. That was a super loud thing right there.

SPEAKER_05 9:54

It was passive aggressive, but it was very good.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

But it was in a very loud way. I don't have the words. I can't use my words to tell you that I'm dissatisfied with you clapping like Hercules for this guy over here. So I'm going to use it in my behavior and I'm going to drag you into the pool. And let's let's look at the details, right? She's she's not having a pool day. She, her hair is done. Oh no, she wasn't ready for the pool. She's not ready for the pool. She wasn't ready to go in. And her feet were dragged across the middle all the way in. So I I don't like that. I don't like that at all. You know?

SPEAKER_05 10:26

Yeah, I don't like that either. I, you know, you can have fun. Yeah. And I'm not overly, you know, you can't touch women at all, but to move them in a manner they do not want to be moved. Against her will. Against her will. And I don't think it was a super aggressive thing to do, but it was a passive aggressive thing to do. And it was loudly passive aggressive, just as you said, is as very, very apropos.

SPEAKER_03 10:52

Yeah, yeah. You know, he was he was so hot about it, he jumped in the pool with his socks off.

SPEAKER_05 10:57

Yeah, because he had to do something to stop, because he was feeling bad, and he had to do something to stop that feeling of insecurity. He said, What am I gonna do to regain my my sense of self in this moment? And that was the easiest thing for him to do.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

I heard you talk about it on divorce court about managing that feeling in the moment.

SPEAKER_05 11:17

In the moment, in the moment. And it's difficult to manage the feeling in the moment, but you've got to remember in that moment that it is, in fact, just the moment.

unknown 11:25

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:25

You know what I mean? And feelings are fleeting, felonies are forever. I used to say that in court all the time. You know, don't behave in a manner to fix your feelings if you're not sure what your feelings are and whether or not they are appropriate in the moment.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:41

Because you're gonna you're gonna live the consequences of that.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

I mean, that just that is a resounding thing. Yeah, I just I don't like that. You get you've got to be able to use your words. Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:51

You know, and you never know when something like that's gonna go wrong.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:53

You know what I mean? You slip, you fall, you do something like that, somebody hits their head. Right, right. You know, use your words. Use your words and understand your own feelings. They're not demands on your time, they're they're they're what you feel in the moment, and you can move them and decide to do different ones.

SPEAKER_03 12:13

And realize that you can have a feeling and not participate in it. You have a choice. You have a choice.

SPEAKER_05 12:20

You do not have to act on it. You can just you can let it the first wave pass you by. That's what I always tell people. Just let it wash right over you.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

And now what and what did that cost? Because now she's got to get her hair done again again. Right?

SPEAKER_05 12:34

And he may have to pay.

SPEAKER_03 12:35

Right? And and he there's gonna need to be a makeup dinner or some gift again, because all you had to do was say, hey, you know what? All right, I'm gonna let that one slide.

SPEAKER_05 12:44

That's all you have to say. Or might have said something to her later. You know, later on.

SPEAKER_03 12:47

Right? You know. Now, now on a personal note, that really uh that ticked my OCD germaphobe boxes because that's a lot of people jumping into a very small bottle. I don't know if that pool has the chlorine capacity to calculate all the things that are happening in there. So for me, at that point, I'm I'm a I'm I'm I'm on the sidelines, you know what I mean? You guys tell me about how it was, but uh otherwise I will not be participating. Judgment for?

SPEAKER_05 13:17

Uh judgment for her. Yeah, judgment for her. Judgment for her. She she she gets it. Yeah, and I would be in the pool. I don't care. I don't have OCD. I don't have any sense either. Some people might think, but I would be in that pool.

SPEAKER_04 13:33

Judgment call.

Early Dating Jealousy Red Flags

SPEAKER_01 13:36

The guy I'm barely dating is already jealous. So I, 22 female, have been seeing this guy, 22 male, for about two weeks now. Everything started off great. We're hanging out, we're going on dates. There's one problem though. He gets extremely possessive and jealous. He constantly asks me if I'm seeing anyone else and wants reassurance that I'm not. I had a lunch date with my female friend in all caps. And he asked me if I'm not interested in him anymore because of the people I hung out with earlier, implying that I had lunch with a male, which isn't any of his business if I did. He also found a mark on my neck and asked me who did that. I told him that it was him that left that, and he didn't believe me. He kept questioning me about it. I think he's a lovely man with a great personality. I just don't know how to overlook this trait or what to even say to him. He's also always looking over my shoulder whenever I get a text message, and I had to reply that it's my brother that's texting me.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

Nope, it's nope, it's nope, I am I know. I've got several icks on that. List your ic, please. Well, it's early. First of all, we are early. We're 22. Yes, that's true. Two days past born. Right? We're 22. Relax about that part. Uh it seems like a lot, he's trying to exert a lot of subtle control in a lot of different areas, and she is not clearly not there yet.

SPEAKER_05 15:12

Right, right. I used to say, I used to tell people if you meet you on a Monday and can't live without you on a Wednesday, you got a problem on Thursday. You know, over-the-top romanticism. I can't live without you. I need to know what you're doing all the time. Immediately after a relationship begins, is not a good sign. It's really, it's it's a bit of a uh it's a red flag. It's a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

It's a big red flag.

SPEAKER_05 15:36

That he is insecure and and all of that. And and what she needs to do is to make a decision sooner rather than later. Right. As to whether or not she wants to uh withstand this level of scrutiny because it doesn't get better.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

No.

SPEAKER_05 15:53

As they get closer, it will get worse.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

Right. It it it escalates. Yes. And guys who are masters at manipulation and who are trying to really kind of tighten that noose of control, they're gonna throw the first small thing out there and see how you handle it. And if you acquiesce, they're like, okay, didn't get a pushback. Let's tighten it up a little bit more. Let's see what else I can do. He is so, he couldn't remember that he put the hickey on her marriage.

SPEAKER_05 16:19

So deep into his own insecurities that he can't he couldn't remember what he did.

SPEAKER_03 16:23

So and then and she used a buzzword. So uh I have a all of my friends know. If I if I'm if I uh if I meet somebody and I like them, but I don't like them like that, I have a I have a catchphrase I go to. They're like, Ishmael, how was your date? And I was like, Well, she was very lovely. They're like, oh, you know, I didn't know. A lovely individual. She used, she was, she was like, he's very lovely. I was like, and she's done. And she's done, yeah. That's the word. You know what I mean? That's not how we talk about somebody we want a future with. They're like oh, they're so lovely. No. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_05 16:55

Sometimes I worry that women hang on too, you know what I mean? Too long. They've got an opportunity at a relationship and they they hang on too long. And I worry about that. When you see signs that it ain't cool early in the early going, that's when to run. Right.

SPEAKER_03 17:09

That's the that's when to run. And, you know, it's that old adage when people show you who you are, obviously you believe them. But it's rough out there, Judge. Folks are slugging it out.

SPEAKER_05 17:19

That is so true. And it's it's it's not arrogant of me, but uh, I had mine. Right. You know what I mean? And I got mine in 1989. And I don't really realize how tough it can be out there because on the they were slim pickings. The people used to always say that on divorce court. It's just tough out there on both sides. On both sides. And I don't understand that at all. How everybody could be right.

SPEAKER_03 17:45

There are four billion singletons in the world, but out of those singletons who are actually a prospect, not a whole lot. So if you meet somebody who's got 70 or 80 percent working for you, then you're more inclined to hang in there.

SPEAKER_05 18:00

Let's let's see if I can massage something out of this.

SPEAKER_03 18:04

Around that last 10%. And you know what he's the other thing he's doing. So when we talk about guys who are controlling that narcissistic thing, there is a uh the love bombing, right? You know, send you flowers, gifts, dah dah da. Okay, now we got a young, a lot of our 22-year-old guys can't afford to love bombing, right? Because they're a little bit broke now. And and the economy being what it is, but they can attention bomb you, which is what he's doing. That's he's doing, right?

SPEAKER_05 18:26

Yeah, and it seems like romantic, it seems like it's love, but it's really a sign of insecurity, and you should really pay attention to that, especially so early in the situation. So early.

SPEAKER_03 18:39

Because early can be cute. Yeah, so oh, he's so into me.

SPEAKER_05 18:43

He can't do it without me. No.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

That part, no.

SPEAKER_05 18:48

No, no. Judgment call, run.

SPEAKER_04 18:51

Run. Absolutely run. Judgment call.

The Make You Jealous Myth

SPEAKER_00 18:56

If a guy is trying to make you jealous, you have won. You have won, baby girl. Yes, you have won. Okay? If a man is trying to make you jealous, if he's comparing you to other women, if he's trying to compliment other women in front of you, if he's doing anything to try and trigger you, you won. And I'll tell you why. Because men only use mental energy when they are intimidated, when they feel inferior. So, because he knows that you're out of his league, because he knows that you are so above him, this is why he feels inferior. So he's going to try and get you down to his level. So the way he does that is through manipulation. So if this is happening to you, just laugh. It's really funny.

SPEAKER_05 19:39

I almost lost my mind when I watched that.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

What's that?

SPEAKER_05 19:42

She's on there telling you've won. First of all, the whole concept of winning in the relationship, either the relationship wins or it loses. Neither party wins on their own, you know. So if he starts that you've won, teaching, I mean, that's part of the reason they can't get together.

unknown 20:01

Right.

SPEAKER_05 20:02

Is that they're winning and losing, and you've got this woman talking about girls, you should do this. And if he does that, you've won, and all that kind of stuff. Right. Oh, Lord, have mercy. You've won when two of you have found one another. You can love one another. It won't be perfect, but it's good enough.

SPEAKER_03 20:17

Right. Yeah. Right. Right. You had you had a very visceral reaction to that because she set it up in such an adversarial way.

SPEAKER_05 20:25

And you can't win at a relationship and have uh and have the other person lose. The relationship loses as well.

SPEAKER_03 20:34

And the other thing is, okay, Occam's razor. Maybe the right solution is the simplest solution. So, okay, maybe he's doing all those things because he's just not into it. Maybe go. Right. Maybe he's doing all those things because we're just kind of dating and have a loose casual relationship, and we're allowed to know that other people are dating, and we're allowed, we can hang out as friends, who's gonna hook up later, but we can comment. So it could be that. Right. It doesn't have to be as intense. She's using some really intense words. You know what I mean? And so it could be that. Now, the other thing is there's this, there is this subculture of dating, right? Uh, the pickup artists, are you familiar with these guys?

SPEAKER_05 21:15

I'm familiar with them from back in the 80s, which is 50 years ago. So why don't you tell me what it's like these days?

SPEAKER_03 21:24

So it's the exact same thing, right? We've we've been doing this a long time, and we do not say that, right? But so looking looking at her, right? So she's young, she's attractive, she's confident, she's got all those things working. She's a woman who's probably been out and about and experienced what the pickup artist guys call a neg. That is, I see a woman who's, you know, she might be a little out of my league. I might be out kicking my coverage here if I try to talk to her so what I need to do is bring her down to my level and try to slowly chip away at her self esteem. I will I will. Notice she did say she did mention that. Your hair is cute, but oh you got a hair out of place. Oh, yo, you got a little lipstick on your teeth right here. Never quite right. Never quite right. You she's with a group of a group of her girlfriends, and she says something that's a little off-color, and the guy was like, Oh my gosh, is she always that awkward? Right? Little, little negs. Little negs. And so she looks like a woman who would have experience because she's attractive. Right. And so she probably shows up, and guys are like, she might be a little out of my league because she seems to have, she seems to be hypersensitive to it. To it, right? Which makes me think she's experienced that in a very icky way. So that could be what we're seeing.

SPEAKER_05 22:35

Yeah, and never understand you you should never extrapolate from your own experiences. Just because of what happens to attractive women all the time don't necessarily happen to the rest of us all the time. So you know it's just you have to you're an individual, and just because this occurs with you doesn't mean it occurs everywhere. You gotta look into it.

Staying On The Same Team

SPEAKER_03 22:55

Right. Let me hear you let me hear you talk about three decades worth of marriage, right? How do you how do you start on the same team and how do you stay on the same team? Because that may be something she might need to hear.

SPEAKER_05 23:07

I think that I think you've answered your question in your question. The same team. Yeah, it was us and then the problem. Now, in the beginning, we didn't realize that it was, you know, my position and his position, but our position about money, money was the problem. Okay. And and we had to be a team against the money problem, not I I've won if he does the money my way. No, we gotta figure out the way we do money together.

SPEAKER_03 23:35

Is it is it a formal conversation? Is it a series of an ongoing dialogue?

SPEAKER_05 23:40

I think it's a series of ongoing dialogues. We went to marriage counseling before we got married, which I always recommend. I just so we would know where all the potholes were, and he told us we avoided a few having listened to him. Yeah. But it's marriage is an ongoing conversation at all periods of time because things change, people change, circumstances change, needs change, and you have got to be able to talk about it all the way. And then you discover what works for the two of you. Yeah. And you want it to work for the two of you. You don't want to discover that work what works for you. Right. Because you may be working alone. Yeah. That's all you're interested in.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

Right. Right. It's us, it's us against the thing.

SPEAKER_05 24:27

So judgment call, she's all off. I don't know what she's talking about.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

She's off. She's off. No. Judgment call judge judgment call for the opposite. Of whatever she's talking about. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 24:39

Don't know what it is, but it's the opposite of that.

SPEAKER_04 24:44

Judgment call.

Privacy, Trust, And Drunk Honesty

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Am I the asshole for telling another girl my girlfriend is jealous of her?

SPEAKER_06 24:52

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

So the other day, I, 23 male, and my girlfriend Bella, 23 female, we've been dating for four years and we were at a party. And this other girl, Danielle, was also there, who's been on the same sports team as I for four years. We have always been nice to each other and always say hi when we see each other. On the occasional conversation, she is also the girlfriend of one of my best friends, Patrick. So she has been around things when I hang out or invite him places. So at this party, it comes out that I had told Danielle that Bella is jealous of her. Bella, my girlfriend, handled it amazingly in the moment. And I thought that it was fine. But a couple days go by, and Bella tells me that I should not have told Danielle and that it was a total invasion of her privacy. She said that she's scared to tell me things as I might go blabbering off to other people about it. I said, okay, and that I was sorry, I wouldn't do it again. And she continues to ask why I told Danielle. I said I was a little drunk, and Danielle asked me why Bella had been being short and slightly avoiding her. And I said, it's because she's jealous of you. And I said I didn't think that it was a bad thing to say to someone, especially because I wanted them to be friends. It could have turned into double dates or something else. And this backfired, and she said, We'll take the next two days to think about it, and hung up the phone. My only intention was to make them friendly towards each other. So am I the asshole for telling another girl my girlfriend is jealous of her?

SPEAKER_05 26:29

In what universe does a woman tell another woman that some other woman is jealous of her and they think that's going to unite them in a friendship? I mean, in what universe does that sound like a rational thing to do?

SPEAKER_03 26:43

Not the known universe in which we currently exist. No. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 26:50

I mean, now she said something that was important. Yeah. I was a little drunk.

SPEAKER_03 26:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:55

You know, because you know, alcohol authors a lot of bad moments in people's lives. And what you ought to do is admit to it once you sober up. Right. And not just stick with the story and stick with that. I just wanted them to be friends. I mean, it was a ridiculous thing to do.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

That's mmm. Yeah, I don't um, first of all, uh, they've he floated the idea of a double date situation, him and Bella with Danielle and Patrick. I would pay to see that. See that double date. Yeah, absolutely. And how that implos. But that's just um, you know, you can't, you can't, you can't, you break the trust, you know? There's a thing that you just talked about. There's a there's us, and then there's the thing out here, right? Right? Okay, Daniela has an issue with how you've been treating her. I I don't know. Maybe we should talk about it. But what I don't do is break the confidence that we've got. Absolutely. What where where does his girl Bella go after knowing now, after revealing to Daniela that, hey, she's a little bit jealous. Where does how does she show back up in that dynamic with you guys now?

SPEAKER_05 28:01

And that's really personal to say, say to someone that I'm jealous of you. I mean, that's really personal and and right. And in the spirit of uh of the courtroom, is that factual?

SPEAKER_03 28:14

Right. Because you don't know that. We don't know, we don't know, we don't know that. And what's the I always when I'm when I'm thinking about what people do and when things blow up in their face, I always think about what were you trying to get out of that?

SPEAKER_05 28:28

Yeah, and between the alcohol and the burgeoning friendship, you don't know how much was a slip and how much was you know.

SPEAKER_03 28:37

Mm-hmm. Because alcohol, like you said, it's the author of those bad moments, but it it doesn't put the thought in your head.

SPEAKER_05 28:43

It just allows you to say it.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

It erases the filter and lets them come right on tumbling out. You know what I mean? Yep. Uh you uh what what are those things? Two, there's only two types of people who tell the truth, babies and drunk people?

SPEAKER_05 28:54

Two people that is so true. That is so true.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

Right.

SPEAKER_05 28:59

So we're and I so we're not sure of her motive, but even what regardless of her motive, that was just a ridiculous thing to do.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

It was a ridiculous thing to do. That's not gonna end well. Judgment call for who's the friend that got told up. Judgment call for Bella. Judgment call for Bella. Yeah, figure out what you're gonna do with that Bella because that may not work long term. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:18

Keep your secrets to yourself.

SPEAKER_03 29:20

Yeah.

Closing Takeaways On Fear

SPEAKER_05 29:21

What did we learn today?

SPEAKER_03 29:24

What did we learn? Well, we confirmed that I am still, in fact, very much a germaphobe.

SPEAKER_05 29:29

Uh we don't know CD, and I don't and I'm a court law on estrogen. Other than that. But but jealousy, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:36

Yeah. Does it serve you?

SPEAKER_05 29:38

And it never does.

SPEAKER_03 29:39

It just doesn't. Well, what does it say? What does jealousy say?

SPEAKER_05 29:43

Jealousy says, I'm afraid. Yeah. I'm afraid with respect to this particular thing. It, you know, everything's either fear or love for the most part. Yeah. Not always, but but often.

SPEAKER_03 29:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:55

And the jealousy is just the fear. And the jealousy will do more to kill the relationship and is than to secure it. You can't secure a relationship from the outside in. You have to secure it from the inside out. So you can't make it so you have to come home. I gotta make it so you want to come home.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

I love that. Enough said. Enough said. That's the take home.

SPEAKER_05 30:15

There we go.

SPEAKER_03 30:16

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:17

Ladies and gentlemen, that's the take home for today. You can't secure love from the outside in, you gotta do it from the inside out. And that way you keep from being jealous. Well, it ain't that easy, but you can try.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

You can try. She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.