IF YOUR PARTNER SAYS THIS, HE HAS A WORK WIFE

Cold Open And Show Setup

SPEAKER_06 0:00

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.

Why Work Spouses Happen

SPEAKER_08 0:19

Workwife has brought many a nurse and many a doctor to your door. A divorce card. Divorce card. Because it's a separate community. It's a separate world. We have our own language. It's the same with thing with legal or any profession, right? You got your own way of relate to which how do we get through the day dealing with the tough things we see? And we feel like folks outside of that world won't really get it. There's a comfort level there, there's a camaraderie there. And so it happens a lot.

SPEAKER_07 0:49

And also, don't you guys spend an awful lot of time in that hospital, especially when you're training?

SPEAKER_08 0:54

Awful lot of time together. You're talking 12 plus hours, you're talking odd hours. We're pulling all nighters. Back in the day, before they stopped, we would do 24, 36 hour shifts. Right. And so that's that's a lot. And then there's the things we do outside of there together when we do the conferences, where we're doing different kind of training. So uh work wife is a thing. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:15

And as you as you noted, it can be a thing that brings you to see someone like me in divorce court. So let's take a look at a couple of people who are talking about this issue of work-wise.

Birthday Shoutouts That Cross Lines

SPEAKER_07 1:26

All right.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Judgment call.

SPEAKER_05 1:30

It's my husband's birthday today. He's a nurse and he works with a lot of girl nurses. And these are two birthday shout-outs I gave him on Instagram. Let me know what you think.

SPEAKER_09 1:42

Let's go. I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Madison, what do those words say? Happy birthday to the one who keeps my ass in check. First ER friend. Break buddy. Work hubby. Locker buddy. Papa Smurf. Love you, homie.

SPEAKER_07 2:04

That's a whole lot of language. That's a whole lot of buddies. Isn't it though? Isn't it though? Let me let's let's finish the tape and see how she responded. I she said she didn't know what to think. I think I know what to think. But let's let's see what she thinks.

SPEAKER_05 2:22

This just doesn't sit well. The words? Show me. The comfortness level. Like what happened to hey, happy birthday?

SPEAKER_09 2:34

What?

SPEAKER_07 2:36

Am I just tripping? What is what what are they saying here, uh Madison?

SPEAKER_01 2:40

It's our fave Zaddy. Al's birthday today. Happy birthday.

SPEAKER_07 2:48

Well, that wasn't too bad. Zaddy? Well, what does Zaddy mean? Zaddy is a sexy daddy. I'm showing my age. Now, see here, you got a boomer in the room. You know, and Zaddy.

SPEAKER_08 3:05

Zaddy.

SPEAKER_07 3:06

That's what that's what happens when you don't know the link of.

SPEAKER_08 3:08

Zaddy is that.

SPEAKER_07 3:09

Zaddy is that sexy daddy.

SPEAKER_08 3:10

Zaddy's crossing the line. Zaddy crosses the line.

SPEAKER_07 3:12

Zaddy crosses the line and the entire, the first entire one cross the line. All of those, my brick buddy, my this, that keeps my behind in check. All of that was too much.

SPEAKER_08 3:23

You might as well say he's my everything. Isn't that what she's saying? That's what she's saying.

SPEAKER_07 3:28

That's what she's saying. And I know how to feel about it. I would not like it.

SPEAKER_08 3:32

I think she knows exactly how she used to feel about it.

SPEAKER_07 3:36

And I would tell him, not her. You never tell her. You tell the person that you're in a relationship with. Say, hey, what's going on at work? Right. I don't like all this closeness. Yeah, that's not. What's going on?

SPEAKER_08 3:47

And look at the body language, right? 80% of what we do is through body language. They are all real comfortable in how they are relating to the Zazaddy. Hey, Zaddy. In those pictures right there, right? Zaddy. Oh. New word for the old lady. Oh, so I don't. So what's her fix? I think she's got to say something to him, right?

SPEAKER_07 4:08

She's got to say something to him. Don't come up mad. Don't come up crazy. Come up.

SPEAKER_08 4:12

Right.

SPEAKER_07 4:13

Would you like it if I did that? That's right.

SPEAKER_08 4:15

That's right.

SPEAKER_07 4:16

You know, it's it's uncomfortable for me.

SPEAKER_08 4:18

Right, right, right, right, right. If would you like it if where I showed up at my place of business or where I go during the day, and a really good male friend of mine said, This is this is my sexy mommy right here. Happy birthday.

SPEAKER_07 4:31

Is there is there a female component uh counterpart to Zaddy?

SPEAKER_08 4:35

Uh well, not as such, okay. There's the whole, you know, the the moms who I'd like to date kind of thing. There's the whole the whole MILF thing and that kind of stuff, right? But not necessarily. Zaddy is a new thing as a lot of the younger ladies are looking to date older guys and they got a really cute, cuddly term for it. And he looks like, I don't know what's worse, calling him Zaddy or calling him Papa Smurf. Because Papa Smurf, that is a very endearing thing. Papa Smurf. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:11

That's very endearing. But we saw that last night when we went out to meet.

SPEAKER_08 5:15

That's right, we did.

SPEAKER_07 5:16

Uh, you know, vast age difference. Young ladies, older dudes.

SPEAKER_08 5:22

Yeah. She looked, she looked like she was happy and present in the moment. And he looked the same. Zaddy looked satisfied. Yeah, he did. Yes, he did. Ah. So you got you gotta you gotta talk about it and in a way where it says, hey, I'm not accusing you of anything at all, but it sure did, it didn't make me feel comfortable. Right. And I just want to bring that to your attention. Now, what what you and I don't have an ask here. I just want to bring that to your attention. And I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_07 5:50

You got it. Yeah. Do you do you show me some respect because it's not like I can't do it because he doesn't want me to? I don't want to do it because it bothers him. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So what's the judgment call on this one, Ish?

SPEAKER_08 6:03

I mean, um, judgment call is for the wife. Do we have a term? Well, so if we've got a work wife, do we have what do we call work husband? The wife wife? I don't know. The wife? Is she the outside wife? Is she the I don't understand? I don't know. We gotta figure what are you guys? Is there uh what are we missing here? So if we've got a work wife and a work husband, what do you guys call the husband husband or the wife wife? Right? We want to know because I don't know. Is there a term?

SPEAKER_07 6:29

Yeah, I think judgment for the outside wife, you know. Yeah, absolutely, because she's she has a reason to be uncomfortable. She does, not angry, but uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_08 6:38

She does. As she's riding in the car with their kid with the bloom birthdays in the back. In the backdrop.

SPEAKER_07 6:47

Yeah. Judgment for the wife-wife.

SPEAKER_03 6:50

The wife-wife. Yeah. Judgment call.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

My

The Apple Watch Work Wife Text

SPEAKER_02 6:55

husband just got a text from somebody named Work Wife in his phone. Um, he's out golfing with the boys right now. But what did he leave here? His Apple Watch. And yeah, I'm sitting in bed and it's just going off and vibrating. So, of course, I look over at it and I see that he got a text message from Work Wife. So I'm like, what the fuck? And I was like, I am definitely figuring out that pin. Let me tell you, it wasn't hard because he's a man. So I open up the message and it says, Hey, what hole are you boys at? With a winky face.

SPEAKER_08 7:29

I was in that.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Like, I I'm very upset because who the f is this and why is she under work wife on your phone? Okay. I'm not telling this man that I've seen this. I'm not, but I'm gonna get him to come home early. So what I did was I took a picture. I I stripped on, put a spicy cube right in my mouth, like as if I was gonna take it.

SPEAKER_07 7:55

Where is she gonna get into early?

SPEAKER_08 7:57

So, husband's out golfing, and work wife sends him a message saying, What hole are you boys at?

SPEAKER_07 8:07

Wink wink.

SPEAKER_08 8:08

Wink wink.

SPEAKER_07 8:10

But what was she saying at the very end there, Madison? Did I miss it?

SPEAKER_08 8:17

Yeah, let's run that back.

SPEAKER_07 8:18

She said something about I'm not gonna tell him, and I got it.

SPEAKER_08 8:21

Let's see what her plan is.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Get him to come home early. So what I did was I took a picture. I I stripped down, put a spicy cube right in my mouth, like as if I was gonna take it. Snap a little picture, send it to him. This is the only way I'll get this man to come home from golf early. And my anxiety can't handle this. Like, my heart is like pounding because who's like what is going on? Not six hours from now. I need an explanation now. So he immediately comes up with an excuse for the guys. He's like, I'll tell the guys that like there's an emergency. I'll be home in 20. That man is about to pull up, and um, I'm not gonna lie, I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say now. I don't even know how to confront him about I don't I don't know how to go about this, but I'm like shaking. Like I am so upset. I'm like shaking. I do when he comes in genuinely.

SPEAKER_07 9:15

You know, I never understood how technology makes us so dumb. Why would you put a work wife on your uh as a contact on your phone? Don't make no sense. You know, hey baby, you got a problem here. I mean, that's why would you do that? Well, okay, so I hear what you're saying.

SPEAKER_08 9:35

I'm gonna take the opposite stance. So maybe, maybe I don't mind that because he knows at some point work wife is gonna call or text. He knows at some point wife is gonna see that. So maybe that's a way of saying, hey, this is not anything I'm trying to hide for you. It's a cutesy thing. And this may give us entree to actually talk about it and I get to see if you like it or not, or if I should change that.

SPEAKER_07 9:57

You're giving that man way too much credit. I am so sorry. He put up work wife on there because it was convenient for him. He was not trying to do a subliminal subliminal message to his wife about, you know, I'm so sure and all that. I I appreciate the efforts you made on his behalf.

SPEAKER_08 10:13

I'm trying to hang in there for him. I really am.

SPEAKER_07 10:15

I appreciate the efforts you made on his behalf. But uh whoo! Now she needs to get over the anger, though. I know people are always talking about that. You know, you have the right to be angry. Yep. And that thing would make you angry. But is anger the thing that is going to get you what you want, which is a productive conversation and maybe a concession here or there? And anger usually doesn't get that. It gets you defensiveness, it gets you an argument. But you can be serious and quiet. I don't like that. Yeah, it wasn't cool. Yeah. Well, what do you have to say?

SPEAKER_08 10:51

Which works much better because when you come angry, all I'm listening for is the part where you blame me for something. So my shield's up.

SPEAKER_07 10:59

Right.

SPEAKER_08 10:59

And I'm not really listening, I'm just waiting to see how I'm gonna respond.

SPEAKER_07 11:02

Right now, you know, and I'm looking for a point I can defend. You got it may not be the main point, but if you say something that I can defend, I'm gonna go ahead and defend it. That's how you end up off-subject, off-topic, and you arguing just to be arguing. Yeah, yeah. This work wife thing.

SPEAKER_08 11:15

It's it's serious. Now she's got she's created another problem for herself. Now, I have empathy for her because she's like, listen, this is she's vulnerable. She's like, this made me feel insecure. I'm having an anxiety attack, I'm feeling vulnerable. And she came up with a plan. Not the best plan in this world. The best, right? I'm gonna send him a nude with a spicy cube, right? Spicy cube again. We're back at the end.

SPEAKER_07 11:38

We're back. Another, another new thing that I had to learn for back.

SPEAKER_08 11:41

Spicy cubes to the rescue again. So, but it's it's the bait and switch, right? Because what she's not in the mood for right now is a romp in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_07 11:51

That's the last thing she wants.

SPEAKER_08 11:52

So when he gets home, how does that work? Right? I'm no longer nude with a spicy cube. I'm in my sweats and we need to have a conversation. So, what you don't want to do is ambush somebody when you're really having trying to have a serious talk.

SPEAKER_07 12:05

Yeah, yeah. And that's what she's doing. She's ambushing him with that. So, I mean, he was wrong. The judgment rolls against him because he was wrong to have a work wife, and that work wife is apparently much too, much, much, much too comfortable within what hole are you at?

SPEAKER_08 12:21

As wink wink. As as young folks, dead ass wrong. She's dead ass wrong for that. That is, you do not, there is innuendo, and there is a flat out insinuation. Yeah, and that was just too much. That's a lot. That's a lot. Him thinking about her holes, that's a lot. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_07 12:37

That's a lot. So clearly, this woman, the judgment is in favor of her. I would just like to tweak her response a little bit so she could get a conversation that does her some good as opposed to the one that she's about to have. Right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_08 12:50

Yeah. And you say it all the time, right? Talk about don't talk about the thing in the moment when the emotion is informing you, right? Just give it a few hours and then come back to it and see how you feel about it. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Judgment

Sexless Marriage And Emotional Affairs

SPEAKER_03 13:05

call.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Am I the asshole for challenging my husband's work wife?

SPEAKER_08 13:12

Okay. All right. A challenge. Let's see.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

My husband has been working at the same company for the last nine years. Over the last few years, he's developed a friendship with a female colleague. To be fair, he mentioned her to me many times. I know that they get lunch together at work, and she brings him snacks home every now and again. My husband himself has mentioned this. I also know that the colleagues share personal details with him, including her struggles with finding a good boyfriend. My husband has been giving her advice on what to look for in a boyfriend and men in general to help her out. We have both discussed her situation as well. However, lately I found out, again, from my husband, that she had invited him over to her house. She's hinted that she wants to go out on trips and hikes with him. And they have had lunch at restaurants together, go out on walks after work, hug him before leaving work. Apparently, she would skip coming to work if my husband also happens to not go to work that day. All of this is making me very uncomfortable. I mentioned it to my husband and he just dismissed it completely, saying that he would never cheat. Why would he even mention all this to me if he was cheating? He said that she had been a very good friend and likes to spend time with her at work, and that I'm being selfish and wanting to destroy a good friendship. Now our own relationship has not been in great shape. We haven't been that intimate emotionally or physically for years. We've slept in different rooms for years. We're intimate maybe once or twice a year on average. But that's a separate topic.

SPEAKER_08 14:56

No, it's not. Not at all. No, it's not. Not at all. It's not a separate topic.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

I know that I need to spend more time with my husband, but I've been busy with kids and work. I want him to put more effort into us, but I feel him getting more distant. In light of this, I'm not sure if I'm even in my right to challenge my husband on his work wife. Am I the asshole for doing it?

SPEAKER_07 15:20

There's like nine levels of stuff we got going on here. First of all, the condition of the marriage to begin with is not good.

SPEAKER_08 15:29

No.

SPEAKER_07 15:30

Separate bedrooms, no intimacy. Right. You know, and that's I think that's what she's jealous about. It's not, he goes, I would never cheat. And that may very well be true physically, but an emotional cheat is much more devastating to us women than you know what I mean. It's just like you care for her and you talk to her and you walk with her, and the two of us don't snacks. Snacks. She's hugging you at work. She don't come to work unless you're there.

SPEAKER_08 15:59

So they are what we they are in what we call a sexless marriage. Right. Sexless marriage is defined as you have sex less than six times per year. Right. Okay. That qualifies as sexist. Once or twice, that means it's her birthday, his birthday. That's it. Not even Christmas. Right?

SPEAKER_07 16:16

They're a birthday nookie, and that's that's that's all.

SPEAKER_08 16:19

So so that they're in a tough place. Now, there's a trend, there's a going growing trend of couples, married couples in separate bedrooms now, right? Bedroom divorce. I get to protect my sleep, you get to protect yours, we can wake up rested, and that's so that's a whole that may be a separate issue.

SPEAKER_09 16:35

Right.

SPEAKER_08 16:36

But the two times a year, yeah, I think you I think you're spot on. It's a she's she's jealous of the emotional connection, as she should be, because they don't have that.

SPEAKER_07 16:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 16:46

So what got in the way?

SPEAKER_07 16:48

She says that she doesn't pay enough t attention to him. I mean, she pretty much admitted to not paying much much attention to him. So if he wasn't getting his emotional fulfillment from her, he went elsewhere for it. And he felt because he didn't actually physically cheat, it it was okay. And I understand his reasoning.

SPEAKER_08 17:07

Right.

SPEAKER_07 17:08

He needed to get it somewhere, but the way you get it is you turn around and the conversation is with the wife.

SPEAKER_08 17:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 17:14

Not the work wife.

SPEAKER_08 17:15

Not the work wife, not the work wife. Because there's a lot of there's a lot of tenderness and caring that's going on with him and the work wife, right? Not only in order to bring him snacks, she needs to know what his favorite snacks are.

SPEAKER_07 17:27

That's a right, and when you're going on walks with people, you're having long conversations.

SPEAKER_08 17:34

You're having long conversations. And the fact that she is so disappointed when he's not at work, she don't she don't even want to be there. If Zaddy's not there, I don't want to be there. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. So it's um, you know, I don't have kids, but it's time for a PTO meeting. We need a parent teacher conversation, right? Right? And they need to have a really long conversation. It sounds like she is inundated with uh being a mom and taking care of the kids, and I'm sure doing the business of running the house and all that kind of stuff. Uh and he's and he's slowly but surely gravitating to affection elsewhere. Now let me ask you a question Do you know where do most people find the folks who they cheat with? Of course. That's where you are. That's where we are. Because we never look outside for people to cheat. We cheat with who's around us. So they got a problem. They got a big problem here.

SPEAKER_07 18:28

But I think their underlying problem is not the work wife. She's a symptom of that of that which is already occurring, yeah, which is they are they've become disconnected. Right.

SPEAKER_08 18:38

Yeah. So the question now is for her, what can we do to to reconnect?

SPEAKER_07 18:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 18:43

You know?

SPEAKER_07 18:44

And the thing you have to, you know, I always I love listening to things like this because it reminds you that you have to take care of your relationship. You it it it's like it's like a flower in the garden. You have to water it, it has to have some sunshine, it has, you know, they it can it can survive some shade. Right. But you know what I mean. And then you gotta know what kind of plant you got, you know, whether it like sunshine or not, because we're all individuals. Everybody's individual.

SPEAKER_08 19:10

So uh the a good relationship, you know, like like you had over decades, it's a series of falling in and out of love. Yeah, right. And so this is the phase where they're not so much in love. So question for them is how do we fall back? Right? What what can I do? And and she'd be amazed, little things, right? What he's missing is the little things, little things, the caring, the tenderness, the times where I know you considered me. Right, right.

SPEAKER_07 19:36

She's gonna learn about how you're doing. Right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_08 19:38

So she would be amazed how much easier, how how easy it is to open that door to falling back in love again. It sounds like a big deal because she's focused on the outside thing, but if she brings it back in-house, there's a lot of little things you can do. Yeah, right, to really kind of reconnect, including asking him. What I need to do, no, asking him what's missing. Hey man, listen, I don't know if you realize this, but last year we only had sex twice. You know, yeah, I would like to have sex more than that. I mean, I don't know about you. I don't know. Right, we can have a real conversation about this thing.

SPEAKER_07 20:11

That's a tough one to have though. Is it? Isn't it? I don't think so. It's the elephant in the room. That's why it's an elephant. It's this big, massive thing, and people don't but the fact that it's a difficult conversation to have does not mean you shouldn't have it. Yeah. Let me put it that way.

SPEAKER_08 20:32

For sure. And what I found is a hard conversation can get incredibly easy once you find the emotional leader in the room. Somebody's just gotta go first. Because they're both dying to talk about it. Yeah, you know, they just are. He's over here, he's doing he's doing so much. He goes to bed at night in his own bedroom wondering I wonder what she's gonna say something about that. You know?

SPEAKER_07 20:56

And in the meantime, he is uh satisfying his emotional needs elsewhere, that's right, which is a very dangerous thing.

SPEAKER_08 21:02

It's a very dangerous thing, it's a slippery soap, it's only a matter of time before that line gets crossed. We're humans and we all have those moments of humanity.

SPEAKER_07 21:10

Yeah, so judgment call for judgment call for oh yeah, the marriage council that they need to go to absolutely 1,000%. They need they need to, and if they can't have the conversation on their own, they need to get a third party get in to have that conversation.

SPEAKER_08 21:24

Absolutely, 100%, 100%. That was a great one.

SPEAKER_07 21:27

It was. Yeah, it was a lot of layers.

SPEAKER_08 21:30

A lot of layers.

SPEAKER_07 21:30

What do you guys think? What do you think the first thing they need to do? Should she just go? Should she have a conversation? Should she meet work wife in the parking lot? As a judge, I would I would I would ask that that that occurred.

SPEAKER_08 21:49

That should not happen.

SPEAKER_07 21:51

I don't want to see you later on and have to pretend Jay.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

Yeah, that should not happen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 21:56

It was funny.

SPEAKER_03 21:59

Judgment. Call.

SPEAKER_04 22:01

Why

When The Work Wife Blocks Calls

SPEAKER_04 22:02

don't y'all please explain to me how the f I'm supposed to not catch a charge today after my husband's self-appointed work wife refused to let me talk to my husband on the phone today? I woke up this morning and decided to be a good little wife. And uh I thought, you know what? I'll surprise my husband on his lunch break. So, you know, about 30 minutes before lunch, I call up to his office and uh his uh self-proclaimed work wife answers the phone. Yeah, the one that refers to me as his outside wife. That bitch. So I'm like, hey, you know, I need to talk to my husband. And she's like, uh, I just really don't think that's gonna happen. And I'm like, um, i excuse me, like, ring me back to his office. She's like, he's just he's really tied up right now. I just I can't I can't bring myself to ring his office. He's he's really tied up. I'm like sitting there thinking, girl, if you don't fing do this right now, I'm about to come up there and ring something else if you know something. I said, not that it's any of your business, but there's a bit of an emergency, and I'm gonna need you to put him on the line. And she said, shh, I mean, he's he's already committed to lunch, if that's what the emergency is. All right. I think I've heard enough.

SPEAKER_08 23:14

I've heard enough. She she's she starts off saying she might catch a charge. I'm gonna pass this to you.

SPEAKER_07 23:21

I don't even know what to say. I mean, uh, I really don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_08 23:27

Uh well, uh, work wife has identified the target. She's storming the castle. There is a breach. There is a breach, yeah. Right? That work wife is work wife is doing all the things strategically to cut outside wife, which is hilarious, that term.

SPEAKER_07 23:44

And the fact that her husband uses it and calls her the outside wife, there's a there's no defining their terms. I was the wife. The article, T-H-E, wife, no type of wife. Wife.

SPEAKER_08 23:56

Wife, yeah, yeah. So so she's got a problem here. Um and she's got it's gotta start with him, right?

SPEAKER_07 24:04

Yeah. It's got to.

SPEAKER_08 24:06

You gotta have a conversation. Hey, uh, do you know I tried to call you for lunch today? And let me tell you what happened.

SPEAKER_07 24:12

Right.

SPEAKER_08 24:14

Right. What happened? We're gonna roleplay. What happened? No, I didn't know. I was I was eating a burrito that my work wife had made for me and brought to work. So I didn't, I didn't even, she didn't even tell me you called. What happened? What happened?

SPEAKER_07 24:26

He's gonna get himself in trouble if he don't pay attention. Yes. And the work wife was really just ridiculous. You cannot, you cannot get in between those two.

SPEAKER_08 24:38

Work work wife is turning screws.

SPEAKER_07 24:39

Yes, she is.

SPEAKER_08 24:40

Work wife has identified something she wants and she is she is going for it. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_07 24:45

Judgment call is against work wife, I'll tell you that.

SPEAKER_08 24:48

Work wife is all kinds of wrong.

SPEAKER_07 24:49

All kinds of wrong.

SPEAKER_08 24:51

You he's he's committed to lunch. I'm sorry, he's already committed. I'm surprised she had court of charge already. In that moment.

SPEAKER_07 25:01

In that moment, yeah. It's hard to say chilly on some things. It is, it is. Yeah, that's uh it's a hot moment.

SPEAKER_08 25:09

That's a lot, but it's so insidious, right? It doesn't happen on the first day of work, not the first, it's something that builds over time.

SPEAKER_07 25:16

Yeah, and the next thing you know, you got a work wife. Right. And anticipate having one.

SPEAKER_08 25:21

And it's at a you not only do you have a work wife, but it's a term that you find cute and endearing.

SPEAKER_07 25:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 25:28

Right?

SPEAKER_07 25:29

And then you also renamed your wife the outside wife. That that in other words, you're designating status. Right. Like, I'm the only one. If I'm the wife, I'm the wife.

unknown 25:38

Right.

SPEAKER_07 25:39

You know, so judgment call is really against the work wife, though. She was she was just wrong nine le nine ways from Sunday.

SPEAKER_08 25:46

Nine ways from Sunday. Be careful if you're leaving work late because uh you might have a conversation in the parking lot.

SPEAKER_07 25:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 25:56

Judgment call.

Micro-Cheating Versus Real Cheating

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Am I the asshole for micro cheating when my girlfriend was actually cheating?

SPEAKER_08 26:05

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

Hello, everyone. As of recently, me and my girlfriend have been on not so great terms, and I'm looking for some insight. So basically, I, 45 male, have been accused of quote unquote micro-cheating by my girlfriend, 47 female. You see, she goes to bed quite early, about 9 p.m., because she works early in the morning. But I don't usually go to bed until 12 at night because I work later than her. She started getting very mad saying that I had to go to the bed at the same time as her. I disagreed and said it wasn't that big of a deal. I even offered to lay in bed with her until she fell asleep, but that did nothing to make her feel better. However, in the middle of this fight, I discovered something that she was cheating on me with my ex-stepbrother, 57 female.

SPEAKER_08 26:58

Wait, wait, say that more again?

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Right? However, in the middle of the fight, I discovered that she was cheating on me with my ex-stepbrother.

SPEAKER_07 27:08

She was cheating on me with my ex-stepbrother. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

I was quite upset, obviously, but we agreed to try to work through it. But now she started throwing my staying up later than her into the conversation about her cheating. She claims that I'm micro-cheating by staying up at night instead of going to sleep with her. I calmly explained that I feel like those are not equivalent, but she won't believe it. She's saying if she's gonna recommit to me, I need to recommit to her. Am I the asshole for saying these are not equivalent actions? My family and Facebook friends are blowing up my phone, telling me I should just start going to bed with her, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 27:48

Micro cheating. Is now is that a common term? Micro-cheating.

SPEAKER_08 27:53

It's becoming more and more common. But there's no agreed upon set of definition for what that is, right? Yeah. Um first of all, there is no universe, no planet, no galaxy where me going to bed three hours later than you is equivalent to you cheating with my ex-stepbrother.

SPEAKER_07 28:12

Brother, brother-in-law, ex-whatever. How is that the same? How is that even in the same ball?

SPEAKER_08 28:19

Great try on her part. I love the try. However, however, there was no such thing where that's the same thing. I mean, come on.

SPEAKER_07 28:26

Yeah, and she's just trying to walk away from her own sin. Right. By by calling somebody else's actions that are not remotely similar, similar. Someone else's actions that are not remotely similar as a sin. And you just can't you just can't designate it as that and make it that. No, no, no. Micro cheating. Because you didn't go into bed. You just trying to get it.

SPEAKER_08 28:49

And what's his what he his family is like, oh yeah, that's a micro cheat. You should just go to bed and say, that's not good advice. That's not that's not the that's not the advice he needs to hear. At all. At all, right? Can can we talk about the affair she's having? Can we talk about that? Are we allowed to talk about that? Micro cheating.

SPEAKER_07 29:09

Oh well. That made me mad. My own kind, too.

SPEAKER_08 29:13

You know what I mean? That's just like uh so what's the fix? What I'm thinking about what could be a fix for them. Well, they're gonna have to have the conversation. She's gonna have to stop sleeping with the ex-step brother, or whoever it is, you know, the ex-family member. That's gotta that's gotta stop. They can do couples do this all the time. There's a lot of couples who do shift work, right? So um my my sister and my brother-in-law, you know, for years, they're as as she's coming in, he's going out, or vice versa. But you you've got to schedule that together time for sure, whether it's time on the couch or time in your bed or what that's like. Yeah, whatever that's like the calendar's got to become your your sex toy, right? Right? That's the we put it on the calendar and we do the thing so they can start there, but there's a lot of couples who sleep cycles are different, right? Right? Person to person, male to female. And so he doesn't have to go into bed because now he's gonna start for feeling resentful.

SPEAKER_07 30:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 30:05

Right? That's hey, those those two or three hours, that's I look forward to that time.

SPEAKER_07 30:09

And he's doing nothing in the bed. You know what I mean? That that's a that's a big ask, I think.

SPEAKER_08 30:14

I think that's a big ask, you know what I mean? Um, and I think the bigger ask is gonna be hey, uh, do you think you can stop sleeping with the with what about the affair?

SPEAKER_07 30:24

You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I they're not even equivalent. I don't even know. I mean, but that's what people do. They they pick on what they have in order to hide their own sin. They have to, you know.

SPEAKER_08 30:37

And there may be a reason why he doesn't want to go to bed with you at nine o'clock now, right? Because there may be some things. My guess is there's some things resentment there, right?

SPEAKER_07 30:46

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 30:48

And I need to stay up and think about some things for an hour or two before I before I join you. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_07 30:54

And asking for accommodation after you cheated.

SPEAKER_08 30:57

Oh, that's rich. It isn't it? That's a mmm.

SPEAKER_07 31:00

Accommodate me now. I've cheated on you. Now accommodate me.

SPEAKER_08 31:03

If you wanted to stop, here's what you can do. Yeah, that's a hostage situation.

SPEAKER_07 31:06

Yes, definitely judgment in favor of him.

SPEAKER_08 31:09

Yeah, come on, come on.

How To Have The Hard Talk

SPEAKER_07 31:12

So uh-ish, what did we learn today?

SPEAKER_08 31:15

Uh well, we learned uh work wives have power. Yeah, right? Work wives are a thing. As we think about how many uh folks are single these days, right? It kind of makes sense. Yep. We're not gonna go without the connection. We are humans, we run on energy, we run on connection, and we are not gonna go without it. If we're not getting it at home, we're gonna get it somewhere else. Absolutely. I'm on a flirt with the lady at Zaxby's, I'm on a flirt with the folks at Target, I'm gonna get it somewhere, that validation, and work is the easiest place to get it.

SPEAKER_07 31:48

Those situations can turn into situations that can be marriage-ending, even if it isn't a real isn't a sexual relationship, but that's true intimacy, especially that guy that was walking and talking and all of that. I mean snacks. Snacks bringing him snacks.

SPEAKER_08 32:04

That's a problem. So I think there's a question. If you got an issue with a work wife, if you're a husband uh and you've got an issue with a work husband, I think it's a simple conversation over dinner. And it starts off like this. Should I be worried about work wife? I see they're texting you.

SPEAKER_07 32:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 32:20

Should I be worried about it?

SPEAKER_07 32:21

And I love that lighthearted reproach, you know, because it it it it starts the conversation off in a in a in a way that it looks like we're trying to resolve something as opposed to destroy one another.

SPEAKER_08 32:31

Right, right, right. And I say, should we? Should we be worried about that? This is because it's eight o'clock.

SPEAKER_07 32:37

Because it's our marriage is right is at risk, not just me. Right.

SPEAKER_08 32:41

Should we be worried or no? We what do you think? And then watch their reaction and see what happens. If it's defensive, you got a problem. Right. If it's not, and we have a conversation, then good. That's what it's supposed to do. It's supposed to lead. And that's the way you really diffuse the hard conversation before it starts. It doesn't have to be hard.

SPEAKER_07 32:57

Hard conversation, timing, tone, and topic. Figure out what where it is, what it is, what you want to get done, and have it at the right time.

SPEAKER_08 33:05

All right, so some really juicy topics. Very. And this is this is our thing. We want to dive in. So,

Listener Submissions And Goodbye

SPEAKER_08 33:11

ladies and gentlemen, uh, children of all ages, if you are having issues out there that are yet unresolved, you're on one side, they're or the other, we want to talk to you. Make us a video on Instagram and tag us in it. judgment.call.podcast. Send it to us, tag us in it, and there's a chance we might have you on the show to help you resolve it.

SPEAKER_07 33:32

Sounds like a plan. Yeah? Yeah. I'd love to do it. Love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_06 33:36

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.