I'M TIRED OF BEING MY HUSBAND'S MOTHER" — NAG OR NOT?

Chores And The Hidden Work

SPEAKER_03 0:00

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.

SPEAKER_05 0:19

Well, Judge, we've got some interesting things to talk about today. And what might they be, Dr. Ish? Ah, it is the N-word in relationships. Nagging. Oh. It's a testy word. It brings up a lot of emotion. Um, rightfully so. So uh I can't wait to see what uh Madison has queued up for us.

SPEAKER_07 0:44

Yeah, she's gonna have a lot queued up for us. I remember back in divorce court, chores. When we used to have this segment called Before Your Vows, where people who were thinking about getting married get married, uh come to me for their for my advice. Uh-huh. And I'd have them fill out a form, you know, what is what's important to you, what's not important to you. And I always filled out, made them fill out a chore chart because it would always start an argument, you know. I was gonna say, how did that go? Yeah, who's gonna do what chores? And they never matched up, and then it was never, and it was always a source of contention. Did you notice a pattern?

SPEAKER_05 1:15

Like chores that were always that the guys always expected her to do, or chores she always expected. You ever you ever notice any patterns there?

SPEAKER_07 1:22

No, it was clear pattern. I do outside, she does inside. That's it, you know, because outside is the big heavy work, all that, but it's not the daily work. It's not the getting everybody off to school and knowing everybody's doctor's appointments and who's sick and who's feeling and who eats what, and all the kind of daily things that the second shift requires of women. And I think that men don't necessarily see how much work we do that is under the table.

SPEAKER_05 1:50

And as you're sitting there saying that, I'm thinking in my mind, wow, I don't even think that registers as a chore for most guys. No, not at all. Yeah, right? Deciding what we're gonna have for dinner, getting the kids ready. That doesn't register as an official chore for so many guys.

SPEAKER_07 2:07

And who can eat what? And and and you know, if somebody's ill or go to the doctor. School projects, everything. And there's a lot of lives to manage that are mom, mom, you know, how they my kids used to wake up my husband. Tell mommy we need. You know, what'd you wake me up for? Just to wake her up. Right. Right tell mommy we need right, right. So you know, so but it is a big, big point of contention, especially now. Most women work outside the home. And the division of labor, once you get back in the home, doesn't necessarily fall equally between the two people. So I think we've got a few clips here today that'll help us dive into this issue.

SPEAKER_05 2:49

I think so. I think there's uh gonna push some buttons today. Judgment call.

Kitchen Boundaries And Pet Peeves

SPEAKER_08 2:55

I mean, I would love to tell you. No, I'd love to tell you what you did today.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

No, because you always telling them stories.

SPEAKER_08 3:00

So it starts with I was cooking dinner and you did nothing to help, which is fine. You took the girls on a walk, and then you came home and you went to that. You walked. No, during dinner you only did one walk, okay. So you took the girls on a walk, and then you came home and you went down to your office. Please don't interrupt. Just let me just let me tell myself.

SPEAKER_06 3:18

So you tell the truth.

SPEAKER_08 3:19

I'm telling the truth. So then you went down to your office, okay? And then I asked you to come upstairs because dinner was ready. Okay. And we have a rule in this house. Nobody's allowed to be in the kitchen when I'm cooking. I get overstimulated and I just need my space.

SPEAKER_03 3:33

Kitchen biggest. Both girls can't wait at a 50 mile radius. Like, damn.

SPEAKER_05 3:41

Didn't she ask him not to interrupt? I believe she did.

SPEAKER_08 3:44

Okay, so as I'm I have food in the broiler. You decide to then put water in the thing, which is very unnecessary at that point in time. And then I needed the sink. And then I was trying to rush to get through with the sink, but you were at the sink because I didn't want the food that was in the broiler to burn. And I said, Please move because I don't want it to burn. And then you said, It's not burnt. And then you proceeded to tell me that it's not burnt, which I know that it wasn't burnt at that time, but if you didn't get out of my way, it was going to burn. So then I take it out of the oven, and then you proceed to take a photo of it and post it to your Instagram and put a poll up saying, Is this burnt, y'all? My wife thinks this is burnt. It's perfect. And then I said, you know what? Okay, I'm gonna sit in here. I'm gonna just I'm gonna stay in the kitchen while you're in the dining room, and I'm just gonna take my time and I'm just gonna cool off because I'm just frustrated with you. So I start to get my vitamins out. And then, mind you, you we don't neither of us take our vitamins at that time of night, right before dinner. Ever. So then I'm getting my vitamins out, and you decide that that's the time you want to come get your vitamins too. So I'm literally counting out my vitamins, and you you literally put your arm directly in front of my face and in the cupboard and start taking out vitamins as I'm getting my vitamins out. So then I come sit down and eat, and I know you didn't mean to do this, but this is what annoyed me. We sit down and eat, and and then you say, Do you want me to serve you? No, I don't want you to serve me, I'm okay. So then I proceed to get my own scoop, and then you sit there and you just chew so loud, and I'm still having to hear every single bite of your chew. Okay, and then you come upstairs, you take a shower, I get in the shower with you thinking, you know, maybe I'll spice some things up tonight. We'll have a little fun tonight. You have full conditioner in your hair with my comb in the in the bathroom, liter in the tub, literally brushing out your hair, and your eyes closed like this. Why are you getting here? What's going on? Why are you here? You take my cow. Can you give me another cow? Then I say, okay, I'm gonna get in bed. So then I get in bed, and then I'm sitting here and I'm trying to do the stuff that I need to be doing. I'm still working. And then you proceed to continue to talk to me and interrupt me, and I have to turn my mic up as loud as I possibly can, smart my volume up as loud as I possibly can, because I physically couldn't hear what I was listening to. So then you go into the bathroom and you start cutting your hair, and I'm still trying to do something. Then you come out and you need me to help cut your hair, which is fine. But it's just like of all times, of all days, you couldn't have been doing that while while like other things were going on. You needed to do it right now while I was working and doing something, which is fine. Okay, I took the time of my day, and then I call my mom.

SPEAKER_07 6:29

Oh, is that it?

SPEAKER_05 6:30

I got nothing. Uh, it's all on you.

SPEAKER_07 6:33

She annoyed me. This is complaining about him. I don't think she was that annoyed at all because in the middle of what she was doing, she went and got in a shower with him. True. You you truly annoy you ain't getting in a shower with nobody. Right, right.

SPEAKER_05 6:45

You're not living a spice it up.

SPEAKER_07 6:47

You're not spicing up in that moment. So I think she's that's just how she is. She complains a little bit, you know, he's a little bit annoying. But two people in one house, you get on each other's nerves on occasion. It's gonna happen. And I and he got on her nerves about a couple of little things, and I'm sure she's on his nerves about a couple of little things because she got on mine.

SPEAKER_05 7:06

Uh-huh. Look, a good marriage and a good relationship is like uh a perfectly choreographic play or dance, right? It's a rhythm to it. Right. And what she's describing is hey, we are really not in sync on these dance moves right now, right? Kitchen time is me, you're here, kids are there, right? After kitchen time is this, you're here, I'm there, they're here. Shower time is this, right? You missed you missed your cube, dude. What's happening here? So it sounds like the choreography's off. A little bit.

SPEAKER_07 7:38

Yeah, and she's very specific about what she wants. I think, you know, you can't be in the kitchen when I'm cooking, right? You know, that kind of thing. So she's a very particular person. Yes. So things will get on her nerves a little easier than it'll get anybody else's. Judgment call.

When Playfulness Turns Into Friction

SPEAKER_07 7:53

I think he's patient.

SPEAKER_05 7:54

It sounds like he's patient and playful. And playful. And sometimes the playfulness, you gotta pick your spots with the playfulness, right? Because again, everything uh that a woman is doing in the house as she's managing the business of running that household doesn't register in a guy's mind or in a in a person with masculine energy's mind as a thing that's a chore or a thing that's to do. So he's gotta pick his spots. And if he picks his spots, then the choreography pick spot all. Right. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Judgment call.

Grumpiness, Hormones, And Low T

SPEAKER_02 8:26

I do not know what is going on with middle-aged men, but my husband is the grumpiest motherfucker I ever met in my entire life. This man is even grumpy when he sleeps while he's asleep. Last night, he's snoring and tossing and turning and all over the place. And I'm begging him, please just put your CPAP on and stop snoring. You're keeping me up all night. He's pulling on the covers and he's kicking at the dogs. I never get what I want. I never get what I want. I said, What do the dogs do to you? They take all the covers and I get nothing. I get nothing. Half my ass is hanging out of this bag cold because these dogs are laying here. I never get anything that I want. I said, Come down for crying out loud. It doesn't matter where we go. We I want to go stop at at the at the Dunkin' Donuts, get a copy. You see how many cars are in this drive-thru? I'm not waiting in this drive-thru with all these cars. What do you think this is? I'm not waiting here. I'm gonna drive my car straight into this store. What? What? You grumpy? Mother? Happy holidays, everybody.

SPEAKER_05 9:36

Happy holidays, everybody. Holidays? So uh he's grumpy. Yeah, he's grumpy. He's he's grumpy. Um, it's interesting. When I hear this, and she mentioned middle age right up front, right? It also makes me think of what other things are happening with a guy's body at middle age, right? Those testosterone levels are dropping off a cliff. At what age does that start? And that can that for us, it starts after we turn 30. No kidding. And then it kind of accelerates in our 30s and then in our 40s and our 50s, man. It is, you know, taking a tumble. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. And so what can that lead to? Decreased energy, decreased uh uh your mood, it can cause depression, right? It can cause anxiety, it can cause all these things that we sh that show up in our lives as being grumpy and irritable and you know that's so interesting because they always talk about women and and menopause, right?

SPEAKER_07 10:29

You know, because it's such a distinct change and circumstance, and they don't talk about, you know, I never really thought about you got it. Of course, it makes logical sense that testosterone would decrease as you got older. You got it. But you don't think about that, and you have something that is akin to menopause that can make you as cranky as as I was.

SPEAKER_05 10:50

Right.

SPEAKER_07 10:51

My husband actually got the boys up. I I went to menopause when my my kids were teenagers. Okay, okay. And you know, they had that teens and that.

SPEAKER_05 11:01

That's a tough time.

SPEAKER_07 11:02

My hormones trumped their hormones. You know what I mean? I had a house, I had a man, I had credit, uh-huh. And I had you know, I was my hormones beat their hormones. But he got up and they got the boys and left the table. I was just that mean, and I did not know why I was I you just all of a sudden I thought everybody in my life had gotten really stupid.

SPEAKER_05 11:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 11:24

And it wasn't true, but I didn't know that men go through something similar.

SPEAKER_05 11:29

They do, they do. Uh, and so the official term is low-T, right? Low T syndrome, low testosterone syndrome. But again, uh, and it's one of those when it comes to women's health, we do such a piss poor job in this country about just highlighting and talking about it and advancing it.

SPEAKER_07 11:44

Well, we don't even test on women, not until like 1993 or something. Did you have to do tests, medical tests on women? Medical tests were always done on dudes, always always done on dudes.

SPEAKER_05 11:54

But this is one of those particular things when it comes to, especially now when we think about the manosphere and masculinity, this is one of those things guys talk about in secret.

SPEAKER_06 12:03

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

When it comes to low T because testosterone, there's a direct line between that and my masculinity. Right. So I don't really want people to know I'm suffering about this. Right. But there's some really safe options, right? The the knock is, well, does it cause cancer? Yeah, it can if you're getting the injections, not so much the cream. So it's something for guys who, if you're over 30 and you've noticed a change in your mood, you've noticed I'm more irritable, thing, I'm more cranky. Things really seem to be getting on my nerves. And an hour later, I'm like, I don't think that was that big of a deal. Talk to your doctor about it, right? It's as simple as a blood draw and it's a super simple fix, but don't be ashamed of it. You know what I mean? Because if you're if your ladies gotta get on the gram and on the talk and talk about it, it's causing a problem.

SPEAKER_07 12:46

And I've noticed something about men, and it's because I've got a husband and six sons. Y'all will not complain about your health.

SPEAKER_05 12:53

Nope.

SPEAKER_07 12:53

And you won't go, you know, I have to tell them you're sick, let's go to the doctor.

SPEAKER_05 12:57

We have to have a limb falling off.

SPEAKER_07 13:00

I figured that out over time. It took it took me a minute. I figured that out over time.

SPEAKER_05 13:05

So judgment call. Well, judgment call for her noticing it. Now they got now, she's got to take the next step.

SPEAKER_06 13:11

Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_05 13:11

And say, hey, you know, is what's going on here? Yeah, what's happening? Is this this is you're normally so pleasant. And then and lately you've seen this is out of character. I wonder if there may be something else happening. You know what I mean? When's the last time you had a physical? Let's just go see. It's just it's just that simple. And then, sorry to say this, it's gonna piss a lot of women off. Go make the appointment. She's gonna have to make the appointment. I knew exactly because I I lived that life. I lived it. Go make the appointment. Right. Exactly. I lived that life. Judgment call for men's health. Get it checked out. There you go. Because as when your mood changes, there's always a reason for it. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 13:49

Judgment call.

Young Marriage And Clashing Home Scripts

SPEAKER_00 13:51

Am I the asshole for telling my wife she nags too much?

SPEAKER_05 13:56

Probably. Let's see.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

My wife and I are both 19. We met last year when we were on spring break. Her friends started talking to my friends, and she and I really hit it off. We were inseparable. We talked every day. We saw each other whenever we could, which took a lot of begging our parents for money. I decided that I'd found the one and proposed to her last winter. We got married in April. We heard a lot about how fast this was going from a lot of people. We took it seriously, we talked, and we still felt like we were doing the right thing. She waitresses, I'm a data entry clerk. We're in our cheap first little place together. We didn't live together prior to getting married, obviously. The issue now I'm encountering is her relentless nagging about everything from couch pillows to socks on the floor. Things boiled over Friday when I had dinner. She was working, so I ate alone. She gets home and sees my dishes in the sink. She says, Hey, the dish fairy got fired, so you need to come clean these. Because I didn't cartwheel on over, she took that as me being annoyed with her, and she told me to act like an adult and clean up my mess. I told her I was coming and informed her that just because the dishes were in the sink doesn't mean I was assuming that she was gonna do them. Since we split chores 50-50. She told me she didn't believe me and told me that I've been living like a slob. I asked her when her days of nagging are gonna be over.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

I think they just start there. Is there a part in there that tells us how long they dated before they got proposed and then got married?

SPEAKER_00 15:56

He said, right?

SPEAKER_05 15:57

He said quick, but did I miss that part?

SPEAKER_00 15:59

They met last year on spring break and they were married in April of the following year.

SPEAKER_05 16:06

So basically spring break and then she said she doesn't nag.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

I said she does quite a bit. If a chore isn't done, ASAP, she gets upset about it and calls me lazy. She rolled her eyes and told me she has no time for this and sat on the couch. I went ahead and did the dishes. Afterward, I tried to sit next to her on the couch. I told her that I was sorry and that I loved her and I thought she was beautiful. She said I wasn't sorry, and that I was trying to butter her up to get out of quote unquote trouble. Am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_07 16:42

You're the young one. They're young and it's the first year of marriage, and the first year of marriage is where all those arguments happen. It's where I take my lifestyle and the script that my parents wrote for me. You take your lifestyle and the parent in the script your parents wrote for you, and we got to put them in the same house and put on a play. And the play don't go right in the beginning.

SPEAKER_06 17:02

Right.

SPEAKER_07 17:03

Because they're writing off separate scripts. Right. So at her house, it everything must might have been neat and clean and and and and and and crazy straight all the time. And he doesn't feel that way about it. So they have to start compromising and adjusting and doing that. So it ain't nobody an asshole. They just young and gotta figure it out.

SPEAKER_05 17:24

You are perfectly describing the thing that gets couples into trouble, which is this idea of the otherness. Right. Right? You're different from me. Why don't you do it this way? What do you mean? You guys don't wash the dishes right after you eat, you savage.

SPEAKER_07 17:41

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_05 17:42

Right? You don't do laundry on Sunday morning. Well, when does it get done? Who raised you? Pack of animal, right? It's it's the otherness. Right. What do you mean you don't do turkey on Thanksgiving? What do you mean you do ham? What does that? And you feel attacked. You feel like because you do it differently from where the way I did it, somehow does that mean that I'm wrong? Yeah. And now you're attacking everything I know to be true, and that makes us blood kids. And that's what you just perfectly described.

SPEAKER_07 18:11

And at 19, it's gonna be that much harder to get through, you know. That that much harder to get through. Now they did it a little fast. They did offer. A year is very fast. I don't recommend under two years because you have to be able to see somebody in really negative times before you decide whether or not, you know, there's somebody you're gonna want to live with through the flu and a bad situation, a job loss, something. Right. And when it's just been all good to the run-up, it's hard.

SPEAKER_05 18:39

It's hard. I saw this thing on Instagram the other day. It was uh, I forget the actor it was, uh, but he was in his uh in his early 90s, um, and he passed away. And his wife wrote a beautiful post. And she said they were together for 62 years. Right. You know, and she was like, you know, all the times we shared and this, uh, you know, and how how grateful we were, and how I, you know, I'm I miss them, but I really can't be sad because we were so lucky. And at the end, she said, she said, Wow, 62 years. I feel like we were just starting to get to know each other. You know, yeah. It's uh it's uh it's a journey.

SPEAKER_07 19:14

It is it's a it's a long, complicated journey. Yeah, and it's uh those first few years can be very difficult to get through. And then you gotta figure out who's doing what. He said that they had talked about it and split the chores 50-50, but that's not the only conversation that needs to be had. It's not just what chores and who's doing it, it's when to do it and how they do it, you know, and do they have to be reminded to do it? There's all kinds of issues that have to be.

SPEAKER_05 19:39

How do couple what's the best way to have that division of labor conversation? So we've got into we've got two types. We've got the physical labor, the chores that need to get done, those those things indoors, outdoors. Then we've got the emotional labor. Right. Now they're lucky they don't have kids yet. Right. So there's less emotional labor, but how do you really start to have that formal conversation? Or is it something that happens organically?

SPEAKER_07 20:00

I think it happens, I I don't think it necessarily happens organically. I think if you're paying attention, it does. Uh, and then not most people think that their marriages is gonna work out and they don't have to have a conversation throughout the whole thing, but they but they do, I think that division of labor, it works out. You first have to consider who's good at what. Right. Skill set skill sets, right? So skill sets have to be maximize skill set who enjoys what, who really dislikes what. And then you take all that information and you move things around until you find, and it's not all gonna be perfect. It's not gonna be everybody's gonna feel even Steven. Sometimes it's gonna be a little more you, and sometimes it's gonna be a little more her. But uh you you have to take the individual into account, their skill set, their abilities, their likes, their dislikes, and try to work the score the chore chart around that.

SPEAKER_05 20:51

It sounds like they are madly in love, and I love that. Yeah, being madly in love at 19 is very different from being madly in love at 29 or 38, right? And so they've gotta there's that impulsivity that comes with being a young adult that they've gotta really be careful about navigating and kind of flying off the handle way too big, right? See the issue for what it is, not bigger than what it is, not smaller than what it is. But for what it is. You got it, you got it.

SPEAKER_07 21:18

So judgment call, uh young and gonna get there.

SPEAKER_05 21:22

Young and gonna get there. Young judgment call for young love, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

Judgment call.

Equal Partnership Versus “You’re Nagging”

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Are you a bitch or are you just dating a loser? I for years, four years thought of myself as someone who's just like a super nagging person who was always on my partner's ass, always just like like following up, whatever else. And I thought saw that as the negative trait about myself. Truly I did. And I'd be like, I know, I know, I need to stop nagging. Like I am a bitch, like I'm just kind of controlling, I'm kind of like whatever. And then this was like years ago, but like kind of always my like adult life. And then I started dating my now husbands. And I'm like, oh, I'm not, I'm literally not nagging at all. I was just dating someone who was a loser. I was just dating someone who had no follow-up. So when any of like my previous boyfriends would say, like, yeah, yeah, I'll get that done. They won it. So then I'd have to be like, hey, are you gonna get that done? Hey, are you gonna get that done? Like, hey, you said you do this, hey, you said that you do this. And then they would be like, oh my gosh, you're so nagging. And it's just so funny now. And I love my husband, he's an angel. And it it just like things will just get done. Like, I don't even not let me take a step further. Not only do I not have to nag and beg and be like, can you please do this? Can you please do you think maybe like have you said you not only do I never have to beg, I don't even usually have to ask. I don't even usually have to ask. Like, he just does things. He's such an equal partner. He is so involved in the running of our household in the same way that I am. And for example, yesterday I come home, come down the stairs, and oh, what? There is a mirror hanging on our wall, hanging on our wall. So this was like a while back, like probably months ago. We had a mirror hanging on our wall and it fell and like shattered, and we got rid of it, obviously, because it broke. And I was thinking, like, okay, I want to get a new mirror, but I couldn't decide what mirror I wanted, and I really want to hire an interior designer this year to help design my house. And I was like, I don't want to get a new mirror. Then I hired an interior design, and she's like, no, get a different one. So I was like, I'll just wait. So it's been like months and months, and there's no mirror in the spa, and it's just so empty. And I recently like said something like man, but like fully knowing that I'm like not getting a new mirror on per on per purpose. I walked down the stairs yesterday. There's a new mirror hung on the wall. I'm like, what? And my husband's like, I know, like, I know you said that you're gonna get another mirror down the road, but I know you want a mirror right there. And this might not be the perfect mirror, but I was driving and I was going past the home goods, so I went in home goods. I had gotten the measurements, had them in my notepad, found a mirror that fit, came home and just wanted to hang it up for you. So now in the meantime, you have a mirror.

SPEAKER_07 24:23

I'm glad she got her mirror. I'm too. I'm glad she got her mirror.

SPEAKER_05 24:28

I'm too. She's uh it sounds like she found a person. Yes, she did. You know what I mean? I believe that everybody we date before we find our person is designed, is sent to us specifically to make us ask and answer some questions about ourselves ourselves and figure out who we are so we can get our person. Absolutely. Absolutely. And if you can understand that about it, you can't get she didn't get tripped over, but she's like, she asked, Am I a bitch? Or am I nagging all the time or not? Is that who I am? And now she's got the question answered. Actually, no, I'm not.

SPEAKER_07 25:00

Yeah, yeah. I I I lived a guy that lived that lives at my speed. That's right. And so she's got a guy that lives at her speed, so she's okay. She's okay.

SPEAKER_05 25:08

We got in psychiatry, we have this thing called goodness of fit. And so if you're talking about child psychiatry, if the child is a good fit for the family, they're gonna do brilliantly. They're gonna do well. If they're not a good fit, they're gonna have some issues. Relationships are the same way. It's gotta be a good fit. You know what I mean? And you know what? It's like going to the store and trying on a dress, trying on a jacket. You know if it fits or not. Right. You know what I mean? Exactly. But when we're slugging it out there in singleton land, yeah, it feels completely different. If it kind of sort of fits, we think we can.

SPEAKER_07 25:39

I don't pull the cleaves off because I don't know when another jacket's gonna come by.

SPEAKER_05 25:43

Right? And if I think about this one for too long, somebody else might come by. Yeah. Right? And so we make all these excuses where we try to fit this round peg into this square hole, and it's just not working.

SPEAKER_07 25:54

So uh judgment call for that couple, you know, for for having found your person. Right? And it sounds like he's deeply considerate, yeah. Deeply considerate, and just what she needs. Just what she needed.

SPEAKER_04 26:06

Yeah. Judgment call.

Grief, Funerals, And Hard Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_05 26:12

Oh, I like these.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

I lost my temper and told my wife, just shut up already. You don't get a say in this. Oh. After her constant inconsiderate nagging. That's just the title.

SPEAKER_05 26:26

And you could you could stop right there. Yikes. Please continue.

SPEAKER_00 26:32

Asking for blunt honesty here because I can't deal with this drama right now. So just tell me if I've been an asshole, and if so, I'll go and apologize. I'm currently planning my mother's funeral on behalf of my siblings. They live overseas and are not here yet. My mother and father were divorced, but were on good terms. In particular, my mother was close friends with my father's new wife. This woman, my father's current wife, has an ongoing dispute with my wife. They've had a long, long history of bad blood between each other. Both of them have said extremely hurtful things to one another. Obviously, I think my wife is less of an asshole between the two, but both are definitely wrong for saying the things that they have. Anyway, even though I really dislike this woman, I have to invite her to my mother's funeral service because one, she's my father's wife, and two, she was close friends with my mom. My wife was livid at finding out about this and insists I put my foot down and not let her attend the service. So for two long days, she constantly nags me about bringing this up every hour. I keep telling her the same thing about why she needs to come. I try to compromise by saying if my wife is so uncomfortable, she doesn't need to attend, and I won't hold it against her. She refused this and said she wants to be there to support me. So a few hours ago, she brings up the topic yet again, and I lose my temper. I tell her, just shut up already. You don't get a say in this. You don't get to dictate my mother's funeral for Christ's sake. Just leave me alone already. I did not say it calmly. I yelled it and was definitely angry because I was busy organizing my mother's funeral. She's gone off crying, and I'm left wondering if I went too far. I can't deal with this nonsense, and I'm just gonna accept whatever judgment is given and go with that. Am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_07 28:56

He shouldn't have told her to shut up. But then again, she should have known to be quiet. How do you thread the needle? Here's the thing, he was his mother died.

unknown 29:04

Right.

SPEAKER_07 29:05

His mother died. He's putting together the funeral by himself. His siblings are not there. You have an issue with the the wife of the the new wife of the of the of the father.

SPEAKER_05 29:18

Oh, you're her father-in-law, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 29:20

You suck it up, so your man doesn't have to have to deal with that while he's dealing with one of the most difficult things he's ever gonna deal with. That's right. I mean, to me, that is a simple one.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

That's a that's an easy one. Uh he's he's asking a lot of simple questions. Did I go too far? Generally, if your wife leaves the room crying, yeah, you went too far. Yeah, right. Ask and answer, it's super easy. But yeah, some things are relationship things and then some things aren't. I don't think this is a relationship thing at all. This is a complicated grief issue. Yeah, right? If you listen to what he's saying, you lost your mom. Uh what he was telling her in a reframe was you don't get to tell me how to say goodbye to my mother.

SPEAKER_07 29:59

My mother.

SPEAKER_05 30:00

Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_07 30:00

And I'm dealing with this right now.

SPEAKER_05 30:02

And I'm dealing with that right now. And he was very careful to never call this new lady, my uh, you know, my stepmom.

SPEAKER_07 30:11

My stepmom.

SPEAKER_05 30:12

It's my dad's new wife. Right? So he's got another mother object in his life that is complicating the way he gets to say goodbye. Say goodbye to his mom. And he's dealing with complicated grief. And that's what this is what complicates the problem. Saying goodbye to somebody we love is hard enough. A son saying goodbye to his mom. My mom died 14 years ago. Some days it feels like it was 14 days. You know what I mean? So it's a deeply personal thing and one of the hardest things you're ever going to have to do. Imagine when you lost your mom. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know? Absolutely. Um, so if you got anything that complicates that, that frustration tolerance goes to zero. Zero. And we just don't have the bandwidth to do it.

SPEAKER_07 30:53

And if you've got somebody who's dealing with burying somebody who's really close to them, that's a time to suck up a suck up a thing or two. Even if you don't like this other person is coming to the funeral. That's not a big deal. Right. Right. You should take, babe, I'm fine. Yep. What do you need? Right. Don't even worry about that. I'm fine. Right, right. What do you need?

SPEAKER_05 31:11

This is one of those parts where you lean on me and I carry you for a little while. For a little while. Right. That's it. Uh I'm here. I'm here. I'm the shoulder, I'm the comfort. I got you. And then after, we can talk about all that. All the missions. But for right now, right, focus on what's in front of you, which is figuring out a way that you can carry all this on your own and say goodbye to mom. That's tough.

SPEAKER_07 31:29

So, sir, you are not the asshole. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:33

You're not the asshole for that. My God. Sorry about your mom.

SPEAKER_07 31:36

Yeah, sorry about that. That's that's tough.

What Relationships Teach Us

SPEAKER_07 31:39

So what did we learn today?

SPEAKER_05 31:41

Well, we learned that uh relationships are informative. Yes. If we let them be. They teach us who we are.

unknown 31:49

Right.

SPEAKER_05 31:49

You know what I mean? There is nothing we all got this not enough it is. Am I enough? Am I good enough for them? Is it am I good? Am I lovable or not? And as you go from relationship to relationship, it sure does teach you if you're in the right frame of mind. It helps you ask and answer a lot of those questions if you're open to hearing what that answer is.

SPEAKER_07 32:10

Absolutely. You got to be open to it. You have to absolutely be open to it. And you know what we're open to? We're open to hearing from you about your issues, your concerns. And if you have an issue that you would like to do, send it to judgment.call.podcast on IG. And in the interim, I want to holler back at somebody that hollered at us. Deja Moten, how are you doing? Thank you so much for your comments and everything that you have done with respect to this show. You're a super fan. We love you, Deja.

SPEAKER_04 32:42

Love you. Keep watching. Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 32:46

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.