PARENT WAR: STAY-AT-HOME DAD SAYS “EASIEST JOB ON EARTH”

Stay-At-Home Dad Versus Mom Debate

SPEAKER_08 0:00

Relationships have gone full on Star Wars these days. Yes, they have. And our stay-at-home dads are like the Empire because they are striking back. And they are saying, Y'all had us fooled this whole time. This stay-at-home dad, stay-at-home parenting stuff is not hard at all.

SPEAKER_06 0:18

Let me tell you where y'all are confused. Okay. When you talk about stay-at-home dad stuff, you talk about the basics. You said I fed them, I took them to the park, and didn't nobody die today. That's what y'all, that's what y'all talk about. You're not talking about the doctor's office and the and and the and the school and the and the cupcakes and the this and the that and who's allergic to what and who won't eat what with this and all this kind of stuff. The picky eaters. And who you gotta buy for clothes for and clean clothes and all that extra stuff. Right. You know, y'all good, you know, take them to the park. That's fine. I don't know. I mean, it's not like you're you're roofing a house.

SPEAKER_07 1:06

Right.

SPEAKER_06 1:06

You know what I mean? I don't want to go out and roof a house. Right. But my husband told me I can't stay home with my children because it makes me cranky. So, you know, they talk that stuff.

SPEAKER_04 1:18

They're talking, they're talking it up.

SPEAKER_06 1:20

I think we have one. Do we have one?

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Judgment call. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job in the world. That's crazy because being a stay-at-home dad is the easiest job on the planet. Today I woke up early, 5 45, because that's the time my daughter gets up. I made pancakes, sausage, eggs for everyone, including my wife. Then I cleaned downstairs, cleaned up all of the mess I made making that breakfast. And then I took my daughter to the aquarium. I've been home for the past six weeks. I've been to the splash bed six times, and I've not gotten tired. Oh, by the way, I'm sick today, too. I feel like absolute dog shit. And then now we're gonna hang out for a little bit. I'm gonna fix them a decent lunch. Then I'm gonna do laundry. We'll probably go to the park or something, and then I'll come back. And I'm not tired. This is so fucking easy. I love this. It's not only easy, it's rewarding. I was spending 10 hours a day making someone else rich and getting zero recognition for it. And now I get, oh my god, you're so strong. Oh my god, you're the best dad. This is awesome. Blah blah blah, that's it. And then what happens? They fight each other every once in a while. They're loud. Oh, it's overstimulating. Oh, I don't get interactions with other people. I don't like other people. I don't want them. The two people that I like the most out of anyone on the planet are my children, and they're here. I like hanging out with them. You guys are tripping, and you're unappreciative and lazy.

SPEAKER_06 2:42

I've had days like that. I've had days like that. But I've also raised them till they were the to till they were, you know, in their twenties and whatnot. And most of the days aren't like that. And you're not talking about when it's sick, and he's not talking about the grand overview of the picture. And if he's, you know, going to the park every day and all that, you're not talking about teaching them to read and write. He's not talking about who's not doing well in school. He's not talking about any of that kind of stuff. Hey, I've had good days with these little crumb crushers, but I'm telling you, most of them, it's a lot of work. And to do it well, you don't want to drop a ball and you want to do it. Well, you're teaching them a lot of plate spinning at the same time. It really, really is. So you're saying he's got a small sample size. That's there you go. There you have it. You know, wait till they catch the flu.

SPEAKER_08 3:31

Anything can be fun for six weeks. Do it for the next six years and figure out what a thankless job that is. Right.

SPEAKER_06 3:39

Right. And often when you you go into divorce court and people talking about it, it was very famous with Woody Allen. They said, you know, who's the what's the name of the doctor? Who's the favorite toy? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he had, he didn't know any of it. That's right. And often that is the primary caregiver is the woman. And so you see what she does, but you don't see what she didn't. She already did. That's up underneath that.

SPEAKER_08 4:05

Yeah. You know, it this this takes me back to when I was a kid. Our mom, seven of us, right? Mom and dad were together for 56 years, seven entirely, completely unique kids. Right. And she had a separate relationship with each and every one of us. She knew our quirks. She knew where we could go. She knew where we couldn't go. She knew what would soothe us, and she knew what would overstimulate us for the next week or two. And how she kept it straight in her mind, I have no idea. How she had time in 24 hours to do it, I had no idea. The break, all the things, right? All the things a stay-at-home mom does. Now on a Saturday, when it was just us and daddy, right? He would come in and burn the breakfast and we'd throw him a parade. It was like, yes! We got burnt toast. We got burnt toast. And we're scraping off the edges at a different set of standards that we measure dads by.

SPEAKER_06 4:59

Traditionally, what do you think that's about? I think it's about we expect less because that that hadn't been your gig for so long. I ain't mad about it. You know what I mean? I'm not mad about it at all. I'm mad about it when I'm working outside the home and inside the home too. Right. But uh stay-at-home motherhood, my mother was a stay-at-home mother. She was always running ragged. Always. But if you want to do it right, she had books uh all over the table for us to do homework and all this and and and chalkboards and this and that. It's and she had two very different children that she had to treat in two very different ways.

SPEAKER_08 5:36

Everybody's a whole separate human. Everybody's a whole separate human. So what we need here, what we need with this gentleman here, is we need what we do in medicine. We need a follow-up visit. Right. I want to see you six months down the road. Right after the kids have thrown a tantrum in Target or Walmart or Chick-fil-A, and you can't get you can't get anybody back on the bus. Right. And you had a wonderful week, and nobody said thank you.

SPEAKER_06 6:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 6:02

Right? Nobody.

SPEAKER_06 6:03

Everybody said what they didn't like. Right. Nobody said what they did.

SPEAKER_08 6:06

Now, did you catch the other part about his two favorite people in the world? Or his kids. And none of them was his wife.

SPEAKER_06 6:13

I did not catch that part. I did not catch that part. I hope he or his wife don't catch that part.

SPEAKER_04 6:19

I know she's gonna catch that part.

SPEAKER_06 6:21

Oh, yeah. I didn't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Uh so Judgment calls for Judge McCall for all the women in the world.

unknown 6:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:30

All the mothers in the world. You know what I mean? I'm not saying it is like roofing. I'm not saying it's like digging a ditch. But if to to parent well is a 24-7 job, that is not simple.

SPEAKER_08 6:43

It is nuanced beyond belief. And to do it well requires giving everything you have. Right. And expecting nothing in return because that's not how the job goes.

SPEAKER_06 6:54

Nope. Not at all. Judgment call for the women, for the mothers.

SPEAKER_08 6:59

Judgment call for the moms. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_04 7:02

Judgment call.

A Single Mom Of Six Story

SPEAKER_05 7:04

I'm a 24-year-old stay-at-home mom of six. If this is my first time popping up on your 4-U page, my name is Lindsay. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I try to vlog every day. I said try. I didn't say I did. Can I tell you guys my life story? Are you guys gonna follow me or what? I got my first boyfriend at 15. And I got pregnant at 15. And he left me. Then we got back together after we had the baby. And six months later, I was pregnant again. And he left me again. After that, your girl was living a star lifestyle. My dome. Nah, I'm kidding. But a year later, we got back together. And I was pregnant again at 18. And he treated me so good for like eight months until he left again. But this time I wasn't playing. I went to get my apartment, my car. I like bossed up. But then here he comes back into my life, really bossing me up, getting me a house, giving me a better car, and whatnot. So we already know what happened a year later. Yeah, we were 20 with four kids. We took our four kids and moved to Miami. Why would anybody do that? I don't know. Overpopulated and overstimulating. We bought a house in Virginia in the country. Population of 300. We were the only black people and it didn't work out for us. And the pricing was insane. We cashed out 10% on a house that was near our home. And of course, I can't go that long without getting pregnant. I had to be bobbed to be able to present. As far as range killed, I was 100% sure I wasn't having any more kids. Like, you wouldn't believe I had a bike on my vision board. Literally saved up for it. I had to go to a bigger house. You wouldn't believe that this man bought a bike in the middle of my pregnancy. I lost my shit. I don't know why I was very resentful. The pregnancy was just hard to accept, but I'm very grateful for my girl. Back to the present. Here I am now. I've been role-playing a single mom. September 29th, my daughter was born. We haven't seen her dad since October 2nd. And I'm just really flabbergasted because I don't know how I'm taking care of six kids all alone. I'm just living day by day. Next month, you guys will think I'm a daddy because I'll never have these kids. Nah, I actually enjoy being a mom. I literally have a reason to smile every day. If you guys made it to the end of this video, leave a pink heart and don't forget to engage. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I don't know how I feel for her.

SPEAKER_06 9:01

The presentation was so casual. Oh, I got pregnant. He left me. I got pregnant. He left me. He came back again. Again. And of course, you know, I got pregnant again. He came back. Well, it seems, you know, she doesn't run her life. Her life runs her. Yeah. You know what I mean? She doesn't and and she just goes with the flow. Uh she seems happy about it, which is which is interesting to me. And I don't know. I mean, maybe it was in her presentation she's doing, I've got this to get. I d I don't know how to feel. If she's one of these people I like to sit down to, you know, next to, honey. What you what you think? What are you doing? Where are you looking to go? What you looking for your kids to do? Where's your direction? You know, she's just kind of down the lazy river.

SPEAKER_08 9:48

You're describing a thing we call transference. Oh, okay. And counter-transference. Transference is the way you feel about your therapist. And counter-transference is the way your therapist feels about you. Right. Right? Because we're human. We're never not human. Right. So when I watch her, my counter-transference is I'm confused.

SPEAKER_06 10:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 10:06

Because you're telling me this story that sounds deeply oppressive and deeply constricting, and how it robbed you of the majority of your teenage years. Because by the time you're 20, you had four kids, and now you're a single mom of six. But you're saying it with this lively, jovial tone.

SPEAKER_06 10:26

Very, very casual, and talking about they went out, they moved out somewhere, they couldn't stay there, then they put 10% on the house. From Miami to Virginia.

SPEAKER_08 10:34

He came back, and then of course, I can't be not pregnant that long. So I'm pregnant again.

SPEAKER_06 10:39

And now he's now gone again. He's gone again. And it it appears that if he comes back, you know, she will take him back, have another baby. Yeah. And I want to know who her people are. I want to know, yeah. Where where's her where where's the woman in her life or or the man in her life that this says, baby girl? You got to make some decisions so you can decide where you show up and st as opposed to just showing up on the shore.

SPEAKER_08 11:06

In 2026, every new uh mouth to feed in your household will cost you over the next 18 years, on average, $250,000 to $550,000.

SPEAKER_06 11:19

How are you doing that as a single mom? Yeah. Times six. And these days, I don't know if things are going to be changing 15 years from now, but the kids are having trouble getting out of the house. That's right. Finding a place to stay. There are all these things that where those kids stay in there. Six kids. That's right. And it doesn't look like she's done yet.

SPEAKER_08 11:37

They're launching at a much later age, right? And she's got started so young. So young. So now it's familiar to her, right? Her her body probably starts asking her questions. Hey, it's been a couple years, we're now pregnant. What's going on? What's going on? Because her body's used to that cycle, right? We we all operate on cycle, women more so than men, obviously, but we all operate on that kind of timing. And so there's that. Now the other interesting thing is she's wearing a hijab, right? So I'm wondering if there's a cultural thing or maybe a religious thing at play in terms of family-oriented, the bigger the better. And she's really hoping for one day him to come back and they be one big happy family because I don't I don't know, right?

SPEAKER_06 12:20

Because I don't think it runs quite like that in the Quran.

SPEAKER_08 12:23

You know what I mean? I just don't see it. That chapter is not in there. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 12:28

I understand what you're saying, that she feels that it might be a cultural thing that she feels that her job, I am a mom. Right, is to kind of procreate. Right. And that could very well be. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because it just seems so incongruous for her to be like, oh, I would be, and then he came back. Then I had another one. And where's she getting her money from? What are her struggles? And maybe, maybe her thing is I look good, I I make this look easy on the on there, and this is where I make my money by going viral with this stuff. I mean, it's viable.

SPEAKER_08 13:02

Attention economy. Yeah. Attention economy. And we all got to find that place to go to be significant. And so that makes her different. That makes her special. That makes her significant. And maybe that's enough, but it sure seems like there's an easier way to do it than not being a single mom of six.

SPEAKER_06 13:20

Six, yeah. There's just too much I don't know about her. And too much I don't understand. Yeah. Because of the, you know, the conflicting nature of her story and her presentation.

SPEAKER_08 13:30

Just I mean, if that is her accurate presentation, then my goodness, right? What a what a resilient individual.

SPEAKER_06 13:40

Just resilient and strong and capable and calm. She's clean house.

SPEAKER_08 13:47

If that is the she's got that level of calm under pressure, I want to see her run for president. That's what I want to see. Because she's gonna handle every situation while she has six kids in the Oval Office. Yeah. My God. Oh. Woo! That's a lot. So judgment. I gotta think on this one a sec for the judgment call. Judgment calls certain not certainly not for the city.

SPEAKER_06 14:11

I don't know if any of you can figure out what's a judgment call should be on this one. You can enlighten us because we're looking in into a very dark tunnel and are not seeing much.

SPEAKER_08 14:22

Don't know. I don't know. I what's what kind of life do those are those six children?

SPEAKER_06 14:27

And I just don't know what kind of help she has. I don't know what her educational level is. I don't know if she's teaching those kids or just diapering them. You know, I I don't I don't know enough. So judgment, judgment call for her mothering at least, yeah, to be strong and resilient. I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 14:46

Judge judgment call her strength for biology, judgment call for the maternal instincts, which she clearly has in spades.

SPEAKER_06 14:52

In spades, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 14:54

Because everybody doesn't have that.

SPEAKER_06 14:55

Yeah, yeah. Judgment call for her maternal instincts.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

Judgment call.

When “Stay-At-Home” Becomes Neglect

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Am I the asshole for deciding I won't let my boyfriend be a stay-at-home dad after I said he could be? My boyfriend, 26 male, and I, 27 female, have been together for about five years. I make around $140,000 a year working as a QA manager. He makes $40,000 to $50,000 a year working as a warehouse forklift driver. How much does he make again? $40,000. $40, okay.

SPEAKER_08 15:33

All right.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Versus her $140,000. He's never been into working, and we talked about him being a stay-at-home dad.

SPEAKER_08 15:41

He's just not into it.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

I initially agreed because childcare is very expensive, and we want at least two kids. Seven months ago, he lost his job when there was a push for a unionization, and some people were essentially bullied out. He was without a job, and I agreed to cover the living expenses fully if he does the housework, cooks, etc. Before I didn't really think of his ability to be a stay-at-home dad. In the seven months, I come home to empty beer bottles, trash on the coffee tables, the fridge is constantly empty because he was supposed to go buy groceries but never does. And when he does, it's mostly junk food. We originally agreed he would cook, and he's cooked maybe four meals for me this whole time. I'm still doing most of the cooking and cleaning, but now I just can't imagine him as a stay-at-home dad. He just sleeps and barely applies for jobs. He just got a job, but that's finally in response to me putting my foot down, saying I'm no longer supporting him. My mom was a stay-at-home mom with four kids, and she kept the place spotless. She cooked every meal from scratch. We've been fighting about this a lot recently. And I told him if we do have kids, he has to work because he isn't contributing at all now. So I can't imagine he will do anything as a stay-at-home dad. He yelled that he has to apply to jobs and he's under a lot of stress. But what's the stress? He has everything taken care of. He barely applies to one job a day. He didn't do anything we agreed upon.

SPEAKER_06 17:26

I think it's time to throw a party. What kind of party? A goodbye party. I think she has has dodged a bullet. It is good to know what his thing is when he's left to his own devices, what he is doing. You know what I mean? That's right. And you know, she said you could be a stay-at-home dad, but stay-at-home dads make it cool and cook like that. Those other brothers are talking about that is so easy. Right. He should he should be easy with it and get it done.

SPEAKER_08 18:01

Listen, the way you do one thing is the way you do most things. When left on his own devices, he reverted to frat house tendencies. Absolutely. We've got pizza bottles, bear pizza boxes and bear bottles, and the house is a mess. If you're gonna lay out a case, Judge, okay, you're right. If we're in the courtroom and I'm laying out a case, right, I'm gonna make the case for why I should be allowed to not work and maintain this household, wouldn't you think?

SPEAKER_06 18:29

I would be cooking and cleaning and make if I didn't want to go to work. That's right. They'd have a good meal. At least in the beginning, I might trail off a little later on. That's right. But I would make my best case for it.

SPEAKER_08 18:42

Your honor of objection, Your Honor. There was only one pizza box the entire month.

SPEAKER_06 18:46

Why can't I be allowed to, right? It's incredible. But she should be so happy. She should be. She didn't have kids with this guy, she didn't marry him, and she found out what it was about. That's right. You know what I mean? And she he could have gone along with that forklift job. That's right. And and things could have gone, and she should have married him and found out his true nature a little later on.

SPEAKER_08 19:07

A little bit later on. A little bit later on.

SPEAKER_06 19:09

That's why I think she should throw a party because the timing was great.

SPEAKER_08 19:12

I don't think you're wrong on that. Uh, the imbalance in the expectations is one thing. That's that is vast. The imbalance in the earning is a lot. 140 is a lot different lifestyle from 40. Right. Right? When she comes home at the end of the year with her one for 140, and he comes home with his 40, and he's like, put that with the rest.

SPEAKER_06 19:36

Now I'm gonna push back on you a little bit there. I'm gonna push back. If it was the other way around, and a dude was making 140 and a sister and the woman was making 40, it wouldn't be seen as such a small.

SPEAKER_08 19:51

You know what I mean? It would be a nothing burger. It's a nothing burger. Because it's a different value system when you cut it down gender lines. If you've got a guy who's making money or who's just comfortable in his own life, whatever that number is for you, whether it's 50, 60, 70, six figures, if he's comfortable, he could care less about what she earns because it's a different value system. Is she cute? Is she nice to me? Do I like how much do I like her? Right? We're measuring all these. Is she right? Is it is she cool to be around? Can we be friends? Can I be myself? It's a whole different value system because in his mind, I'm I'm gonna kind of do all this anyway, and I'm expected to do the lion's share anyway. But when we look at it from a woman's point of view, from a feminine energy point of view, the money's gotta come into play. And it's gotta be, it's gotta be a consideration.

SPEAKER_06 20:40

I don't know. I made more money than my husband. Yeah, a lot more. Didn't change anything, I thought. Okay, but y'all were intelligent people and been married 30-some odd years.

SPEAKER_08 20:54

And 30 years ago was a much different time than 2026. That's true, too.

SPEAKER_06 21:00

And we started out as equal earners and we kind of created this life for me together. You grew up together. So there's a whole different, yeah, it's a different way of looking at it.

SPEAKER_08 21:09

I see what you're saying. And your thing when you were out conquering the world was a very different thing than a lot of people get an opportunity to need to do. Right. Yeah. You were you were sharing gifts, your gifts with the world, right? With the country. Right. And so that's a very different thing where any guy would be like, oh yeah, I'm a cool behind that. Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_06 21:30

100%.

SPEAKER_08 21:31

So it's it's a very different thing.

SPEAKER_06 21:32

And he was cool too, you know. When I got home, the house was always clean and I had some food. Now, I don't know if it was clean the whole time I was gone, and I don't know if the kids ate the whole time I was gone. But when I got home, he always, because I always used to gush about it.

SPEAKER_08 21:47

Right, right. He made he made the case for why what we have set up is a good idea.

SPEAKER_06 21:54

It is a great idea. Yeah. Just yeah, I was come outside with his hands in the pocket, just standing. Look at me. That's the sexiest thing in the world. That's right. I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_08 22:06

I love that. I love that. A man proud of a job well done. I did the thing that I told you I was going to do.

SPEAKER_06 22:13

He was going to do.

SPEAKER_08 22:14

Right.

SPEAKER_06 22:14

And we're all doing our job and it's all good.

SPEAKER_07 22:17

That's right.

SPEAKER_06 22:18

Judgment Carl, you are not the asshole for changing your mind. He is the ass for. Because if you agree to something, both sides have to fulfill the contract. Right. You know, you did your part. He's in letting him go home, but he breached the contract, so he does not get to enjoy the benefits thereof.

SPEAKER_08 22:36

And it sounds like he's really got a plan for how he's going to enjoy status.

SPEAKER_06 22:41

And wasn't even smart enough to pretend for a minute. He didn't have the capacity to do that. He didn't even play the game. No. That's why I never cooked for my husband before we got married. I didn't want him to have second house.

SPEAKER_07 22:55

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_06 22:56

Never. Never. Not once. He had to find out after he said I knew. That's right. He cooked for me a couple times, but I would not cook.

SPEAKER_08 23:05

Let's go out. I love that. I love that. Oh, yeah. Judgment call for knowing how to play the game. Right? You know what I mean? And under not necessarily no, not for knowing how to play the game. Judgment call for knowing how to do the dance.

SPEAKER_06 23:20

Do the dance. Because it's not a game. It's not a game. It is a dance. It's a dance. It's a dance.

SPEAKER_08 23:26

And we both know that we love the music and we both know the steps. Let's see. Yes, yeah. Love that.

SPEAKER_04 23:32

Judgment call.

The Real Job Description Of Mom

SPEAKER_02 23:37

Your stay-at-home mom. You're the maid. You do the cooking, cleaning, the dishes, the laundry, pick up the dog poop. Make sure your kids are taken care of. Their size of clothes, they know what size diapers they wear. Know what to use when they have a rash. What kind of medicine to give them. When they need it, how much to give them. Book the doctor's appointments, you book the recitals, book the vacation. You do the groceries, you put the groceries away. You get it, right? You do all of the things. And on top of it, you're supposed to be in the mood. If you catch majorists. The drop of a hat on their time. Now, the provider leaves for work, works, comes back home where they live too, with their kids too. Asks, what do you do to help? What would you say? Just curious. Asking for a friend.

SPEAKER_06 24:33

Notice how her list was so much longer than the list of the stay-at-home dad because he didn't know the details of the day. Details is the word. Yeah. Yeah. Because you gotta know all the details. Yeah. Yeah. She was frustrated. I've I've been like her many a day. Yeah. You know. And you all you gotta do is have one kid that's that's a yellow. Yeah. You know, and and you're just hard to soothe. It's hard, yeah. A baby that's hard to soothe. You said you were hard to soothe. I was.

SPEAKER_08 25:04

And I'm a grown man that's still hard to soothe.

SPEAKER_06 25:10

Hey, you are who you are. You show up when you show up.

SPEAKER_08 25:14

I am who I am. You know, when I look at her, Judge, I see a mom who's exhausted. Exhausted. She's tired. She looks tired. You know? She looks like she's had a long day on top of a long week, on top of a long, however many months old that child is. Right. Right? The roots hadn't been done in a long time. She's making a video while she's cooking with the baby on her. And she's she's still not pissed about it. She's still calmly just kind of giving us a tally of what's going on. She's a little annoyed.

SPEAKER_06 25:48

Yeah. She's a little annoyed. But you know, expect me to be in the mood whenever.

SPEAKER_08 25:53

Right.

SPEAKER_06 25:53

That's um you know, the funny thing is, I always when I had people in divorce court and it was that situation, and they were talking about how is it? I would always tell a guy, what did you do that day to make her feel like something other than an exhausted mother? Right. Did you did you kiss her on the neck? Did you send her a heart emoji? I mean, it only takes it's like five minute for all-day foreplay. If you just make her feel a little bit, you know what I mean? It might be easier to get what you want at the end of the day. I don't know why. Right. That just if it's self-help.

SPEAKER_08 26:28

If that's it is self-help. It's self, if it's self-serving in the best way possible. Exactly. If that's your thing, my thing to guys, all right, if you want her to be available physically for you in that way, what did you clear off of her plate right that day? What did you do to intentionally make this woman's life easier and more relaxing that day so that she would have time to think about being romantic and being in the mood? Because if you didn't do those things, then you can't come in at eight o'clock and expecting by 8.25 it's about to be on.

SPEAKER_06 27:02

And this you're the doctor, and just so you can disagree with me if you want to. But for us, sex is not here. It is not just direct in front of you, just to need that you, you know, my ear at script, you know. That's right. Sex is all entwined in how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about you and our self-esteem. And you know, you know, for me to watch my husband just stand outside with his hand in the pocket is sexy.

SPEAKER_07 27:29

Right.

SPEAKER_06 27:29

But you you gotta you gotta give us a little bit of that.

SPEAKER_08 27:33

So what you're describing is eroticism. Yeah. Right? Desire.

SPEAKER_07 27:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 27:40

What did you do to build the desire this? Guys, if you want to have sex on Thursday, that foreplay's gotta start Sunday night.

SPEAKER_07 27:47

Right.

SPEAKER_08 27:48

Right? Because you're building the desire. I want you. I right, and what are those things that how are you showing up for her in a way that lights her up?

SPEAKER_06 27:58

Right. And it's not another thing to do on her to-do list. That's right. That's right. You know, you just don't want to be on the to-do list. That's right. That's right. You want to be on the wanna-do list.

SPEAKER_08 28:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 28:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 28:09

Yeah. And I think she talked about, okay, if you're the provider, I think we got to have a whole conversation about what that word really means. Because you can provide many things in many different dynamics. Right. I can provide financially, but who's providing emotionally? Exactly. Who's providing the wholesomeness that makes a house feel like a home, right? I would argue that those things have equal or greater value. Right. Right? Because some of the richest homes out there are some of the emptiest emotionally.

SPEAKER_06 28:42

Absolutely, absolutely. And and in my marriage, uh, we both contributed financially until my career took off. And I was born that. But emotionally, I would have been unable to do the things that I had done, absent the security that I that he provided to me at home. That's right. And so when we sat down, we looked at what thing will get us the most and said, if you pursue this, but I'm scared, I can't do it, baby. That's right. Yes, you can. I'm I'm right here.

SPEAKER_08 29:14

You're saying you were a team.

SPEAKER_06 29:16

That's what we were. On the same side. We were on the same side. It was the world and it was us.

SPEAKER_08 29:21

That's right. And I my guess is Big E that was your biggest cheerleader.

SPEAKER_06 29:27

Oh, he did he used to the only time he was fuss at me about it was you're the only one that doesn't think you should be able, you should you can do that easy. No problem, no problem. That's right. Biggest cheerleader I have.

SPEAKER_08 29:39

That's right, right? Yeah. A provider of belief. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_06 29:43

And denigrating me does does him no good. None. Who does that help? Doesn't help anybody. Doesn't make me a better wife. It doesn't make me a better person. Does it help you feel better as a mom?

SPEAKER_08 29:54

Does it help right? It doesn't help you in the house or outside of the house. It doesn't. It doesn't. My own my you know, my the question I asked my patients over and over again every single week is okay. First of all, walk me through that one more time, what you did. Okay. How did that help you? How did you think that was gonna help you get what you wanted?

SPEAKER_06 30:14

And they were just feeling an in an immediate emotional need. That's right. And not sitting it down long enough to think, what do I need to do? And then adopt that emotion so you can get that done.

SPEAKER_08 30:26

Yeah. Yeah. So the fix for her, I mean, again, I think it comes back to that word you use all the time. She's gotta have a conversation.

SPEAKER_06 30:36

Conversation. Gotta have a conversation. I'm feeling unloved, un you know, you know, and uncared for. I'm I'm exhausted, you know. Right. And often it's taken as complaint, and it is, but it's how she feels. And sometimes if you just let us say it, it's almost it's enough. You know, like I understand that, baby. Yeah, I hear that, and you do one or two things. Like, because it at work you get a paycheck, that's a form of applause, you get promotions, you get, you get, you, you get acknowledged.

SPEAKER_07 31:05

Right.

SPEAKER_06 31:06

But uh at home, it's it's it's almost all criticism, and there's there are no promotions.

SPEAKER_08 31:12

Right, and the kids ain't clapping. Right. Right ever. When you make a bologna sandwich, nobody claps. Right. They ask you where the juice.

SPEAKER_06 31:19

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_08 31:20

Right.

SPEAKER_06 31:20

And it's not like you should be necessarily need to be applauded to be a mother, but you need to feel appreciated to be a complete human being. Right. And sometimes it's easy to easy to forget to appreciate that person that does that particular job. It's hard.

SPEAKER_08 31:37

It's hard. So you gotta have those conversations. And within the framework of that conversation, I want to give my providers out there who are coming home and you're, we get it, you're slugging it out in traffic and you're fighting, right? You got HR and you got the boss and you got the manager, or maybe you're the boss and you got all these things. So yeah, that's hard too. Right. But when you come home and somebody's trying to tell you about the treacherous waters they're nav, they navigated at home, and it doesn't sound anything like the waters you navigated, you never have to agree. But at some point in that conversation, I need to hear you say one thing.

SPEAKER_06 32:15

That makes sense. I see. I appreciate what yeah, I get it. I understand how you got there. That makes sense. I understand why you feel the way you do.

SPEAKER_08 32:22

Right? Because at the end of the day, this is my friend. And my friend is telling me she had a tough day. Yeah. And so I feel bad about that because I care about you. I want you to have I want your life to be good too. Right. And it sucks that today wasn't. I see, I see why. I see that. I see that. Let's do it. That's it. And a lot of times, no more conflict resolution needed. Right. I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt appreciated.

SPEAKER_06 32:44

That was it. It was good. Moving on.

SPEAKER_08 32:46

So judgment for.

SPEAKER_07 32:48

What were we talking about?

SPEAKER_08 32:50

Judgment call for having the courage to voice the places where you need some help.

SPEAKER_06 32:58

There you go.

SPEAKER_08 32:59

You know?

SPEAKER_06 33:00

And and having the courage to listen without uh without feeling defensive.

SPEAKER_08 33:04

Right, without feeling attacked. Right? My bad, my bad day is not as a result of you. Right. Right? It's not. Or my day that wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it should have been, you shouldn't take that personally. Right.

SPEAKER_06 33:17

Because again, we're on the same side here. We're on the same team. We're on the same team. So judgment call for that conversation. I'm begging everybody to head.

SPEAKER_07 33:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 33:32

Judgment call.

One Hour Of Sleep And Resentment

SPEAKER_00 33:34

Am I the asshole for sleeping in an extra hour without giving my wife a heads up? For context, I, 30 male, and my wife, 28 female, have a child who is three. She is a stay-at-home mom and I work full-time during the day. Our day typically goes as follows. My son wakes up around 6 a.m., so I wake up with him and let mom sleep in till I have to leave for work at 7.30. I'm at work till 5 p.m. and she's with him during the day while I'm at work. When I get off work at 5 p.m., I'll have him from 5 to 9 p.m. We do bedtime, we usually go to a friend's house, sometimes the park, etc. Anything to get him out of the house and keep him busy. Then I'll normally do dinner for all of us and the bedtime routine. Now it's getting to today. I accidentally slept in an extra hour after my son woke up, and my wife was incredibly frustrated that I slept through all the noise. She didn't say a word when I said good morning. Before work, she reminded me that now she's gonna have to be with him all day, and she's tired. And good luck sleeping in this weekend, since she's now claimed both days as hers to sleep in. Am I the asshole here? I really feel like I am because we typically have this routine, and I'm sure she relies on that extra hour of sleep.

SPEAKER_08 35:04

It was a day.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

It was an hour.

SPEAKER_08 35:08

What am I missing?

SPEAKER_06 35:09

And he wants to know if he's the asshole. What am I missing? I think she needs to go move in with that guy that was a stay-at-home dad with the pizza boxes and see how their house runs. This is a man who provides, who takes care, who takes care of the kid all day when he's home. On a schedule. On a schedule. Like it's his job. Like it's his job. And he wasn't able to do it one day, and she's gonna get livid about it. She's gonna get mad. She lost a whole 60 minutes of sleep.

SPEAKER_08 35:39

Right. A whole 60 minutes, and I'm reclaiming my time for the whole weekend.

SPEAKER_06 35:44

Right, yeah. No. It's not like I'm gonna get just damages. I'm getting I'm getting uh emotional.

SPEAKER_08 35:53

Right? Yeah, the jury, the jury was favorable. Absolutely. Yeah, and it wore those damages. Oh my I listen, I don't know if I've there's not, there's not too many husbands and wives out there where this is the story where the husband is telling. Where he's saying, Hey, I get up first, and while I'm getting ready for work, I got the kids. And as soon as I get home, right, for the next four hours, we're out of sight. And we are giving her her space so she can relax and do her thing. I got this. Right. You don't hear that a lot at all.

SPEAKER_06 36:27

Yeah, I you don't at all. And what worries me about him is he does all of that. He he messes up one morning and wants to know if he's the asshole. It seems to me that he is on the business end of a lopsided relationship in which his efforts and and and uh provisions are not respected.

SPEAKER_08 36:45

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_06 36:47

And that she's she's just very self-involved and and uh woo right making us look bad.

SPEAKER_08 36:53

I would I would love to see them in action physically because I want to see what other imbalances there might be.

SPEAKER_06 37:00

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Because he's she she's got him questioning himself over a small, small failure.

SPEAKER_08 37:08

I did something less than perfect today. Yes, and I'm penalized heavily for it.

SPEAKER_06 37:13

No understanding, no, we're on a team, you must have been tired today, baby. What was none of that, right? None of that. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna punish you for it. Right. You're going to jail for the weekend.

SPEAKER_08 37:26

That's right. And we know it's not gonna be just the weekend. And we know it's not gonna just be uh a time penalty.

SPEAKER_06 37:32

Right, right, because she's not talking to him. Right.

SPEAKER_08 37:34

There's a there's a connection penalty, there's an intimacy penalty, right? I'm withdrawing and withholding my love from you now because I'm here to teach you a lesson to make sure you set that damn alarm clock extra loud all next week.

SPEAKER_06 37:47

Yeah, well, you you she better hope that he doesn't wake up completely. Because he might wake up completely and see what kind of deal he's got.

SPEAKER_08 37:57

You remember that show we did about the uh the work wives and the and the work husbands? Oh yes. Right? Yes, I do. She she she better make sure. He ain't got a work wives. That's right. Who's making him see? Oh my God, you know? Uh let me show you what I would do if I had a guy like you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 38:18

And what is he getting out of the relationship? I know he wasn't talking about the full context of their relationship, but it seems to me there's not a lot of interaction that that's all about keeping the kid away from her so she can relax.

SPEAKER_08 38:32

That's why I need, I need to see this because there's something that he's getting that we can't see with the words. Right. There's some there's some imbalance there where he's making, right? He's in a he's in a situation where he feels comfortable striving to prove his worth to this woman, right? And he's doing it every single day. So I want to I want to see what the two of them look like together. So I can see what what is it, what's going on here that makes that make sense for you.

SPEAKER_06 38:57

Right, yeah, you know? But I if I was his mother, I would sit him down and have a conversation. I say it all the time. Who's this pull-up person? Just your guy, yo, son. Right. Please wake up here. You uh judgment call, she is the asshole. That's only going to last so long. Right.

SPEAKER_08 39:18

Right? And this is he sounds like the mild-mannered, even keeled, even-tempered kind of guy who everything is totally fine for right up until the time until it's not.

SPEAKER_06 39:29

I wonder if anybody out there thinks he is, thinks she is something other than the asshole. I mean, I wonder if I would like to know here's some support for her position. Yeah. Because I'm not seeing anything at all. I'm not. But but there may be something I haven't thought of. So it could be. So if you got an idea about why she's the way she is, or some support for her position, I sure would like to see it. Because I can change mine if it's well so far.

SPEAKER_08 39:56

So far, no, I had a guy in therapy one time. Uh he came to me five years after he got fed up on a Friday and looked at the exit to go home and didn't take it. And he kept on driving. And he drove three states over and he never looked back. And five years later he was like, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. But I know I couldn't go back there.

SPEAKER_06 40:23

You couldn't go back there.

SPEAKER_08 40:24

And that guy sounds like this guy.

SPEAKER_06 40:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 40:27

You know?

SPEAKER_06 40:27

When you when you we when you're getting nothing. That's right. When you're on the on the the business end of a lopsided relationship, one day it's not worth it anymore. And and then they go. Right. Right. And then they go.

SPEAKER_08 40:41

And we we haven't had any conversations leading up to it because that's not how we that's not the business of how we do our relationship. Right, right. Right. Some we do the thing, the thing doesn't happen, somebody gets punished for the right. There's a big consequence, and then we go that. So I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I would love to see. I I am dying to hear some support for her.

SPEAKER_06 41:03

Support for her position. Because there might be something. There's something I'm missing. There's gotta be something I'm missing. And you know, he must see it because he's staying.

SPEAKER_08 41:11

I wonder, I'm wondering what he sees. Yeah. Right? There could be a beauty imbalance, there could be a I don't know what there could be a social clout imbalance. There's something about her that he really feels like she's the get.

SPEAKER_06 41:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 41:22

You know? Yeah. And I'm lucky to have her, so let me make sure. Or he just could be who he is. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 41:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Some people are retiring and people pleasers, and you know.

SPEAKER_08 41:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 41:32

So anyway, that would be good. But my judgment is that she's the asshole.

SPEAKER_08 41:38

My judgment for him to put a full tank of gas in that car and miss the exit. On any given Friday, my man. And miss the exit.

Key Takeaways And How To Tag Us

SPEAKER_06 41:48

So I'm gonna ask you, what did we learn today? Yeah. What did we learn about being w being a stay-at-home uh parent? What did we learn about support and provision?

SPEAKER_08 42:01

And what are your opinions on really redefining what it means to be a provider? Right. And how do we weight that now?

SPEAKER_06 42:08

Right? And how do we take gender into account? That's right. That's right. Because people's opinion changed of the behavior depending on the gender of the person.

SPEAKER_08 42:18

That's right. Right. We are all we we've all been socialized to that. Yeah. So what did we learn today? And of course, now, if you got a video, you've seen something out there on your favorite platform, you may have a video you've done yourself that you want us to weigh in on. You feel like we got to take a look at, send it to us. Tag us in it. Judgment.call.podcast. Tag us in it, let us know about it, and we'll have it on. And uh we will render judgment. We will.

SPEAKER_03 42:46

She's seen it all from the bench. He's helped couples through it all. Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates. Real relationships, real reactions, real talk. This is Judgment Call.